


Being Home

by imaginarycircus



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Food as a Metaphor for Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-05-23
Updated: 2011-09-21
Packaged: 2017-10-19 17:19:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/203269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginarycircus/pseuds/imaginarycircus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve spends six months in solitary confinement and is so broken after his exoneration that Danny takes him home to New Jersey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sprung

**Author's Note:**

> I owe extreme gratitude to Sirona for beta reading this. <3

CHAPTER ONE

It had taken months to get Steve free. To be precise it'd taken six months, four days, thirteen hours, thirty-three minutes, and twenty point zero one nine seconds. And Danny really had been keeping track down to the thousandths of a second.

Steve strode out from behind the fence at the prison, in his black ninja outfit, but it was no longer form fitting, it was baggy, which made Danny’s heart stick in his throat. He took out his cell, right then and there, called Harpo’s and ordered two large Hawaiians, because Steve was going to eat a whole one all by himself, if Danny had anything to say about it, which he would. Danny had already stocked Steve’s fridge with Longboards, milk, eggs, cheese, bacon, and even the yogurt Steve liked. He also had a steak marinating and Danny didn’t pull out his steak marinade for just any reason, but if this wasn’t a special occasion, he didn’t know what was.

Steve’s expression wasn’t exactly blank, he looked slightly constipated, and Danny figured the guy would just need time to adjust to freedom. He let Danny hug him, but stood rigidly and did not hug back. He walked meekly around to the passenger seat, got in and put on his seatbelt without looking at Danny.

“Seriously? That’s it?” Danny said, but there didn’t seem to be any point in asking Steve a lot of questions. He’d been in solitary, for his own safety, the entire time, so Danny figured he was used to silence and for once resisted the urge to fill up all the empty spaces with his voice. Steve just glared out the windshield at nothing.

Kono and Chin had picked up the pizza, more beer, and Jenna and were waiting at Steve’s when Danny and Steve arrived. Steve looked like a stranger in his own home, but he let everyone hug him, and then gave the most hollow and listless sounding thank you Danny had ever heard.

“So, how are you doing? Really doing?” Chin asked with his hand on Steve’s shoulder.

“Fine,” Steve said automatically, took a swig of his beer, set it in the sand, and went to sit at the water’s edge.

“He is so not fine,” Kono said and she looked ready to march down and kick Steve in the ass.

“Just give him time,” Danny said quietly. She nodded and the fight went out of her.

Everyone noticed that Steve only ate half a piece of pizza and did not finish his beer, but no one said anything about it—at least not to Steve. Kono, Chin, and Jenna each cornered Danny in the kitchen to kvetch about it.

“He’s bony. I could feel his ribs when I hugged him,” Kono said, nearly in tears.

Jenna said, “He needs to talk to someone. A professional who deals in trauma. This isn’t something he can handle on his own.”

“Tell me what to do and I’ll do it,” Chin said to Danny. “There must be something we can do.”

Danny told each of them that Steve just needed some time to decompress and he’d be back to his old self in no time. He said it more to cheer them up, than because he believed it.

He stayed late, cleaned up, and left Steve sitting on the lanai staring at the ocean, but his stare gave Danny the creeps. It wasn’t like he was losing himself in the cosmic greatness of the night sky and the dark water, but more like he was still looking at a cinderblock wall painted institutional gray.

Time. Give him time, Danny said over and over to himself, like a mantra that would bring peace of mind. He went home and slept badly.

 

*

Five-O was not technically up and running, but the lieutenant governor, who was now acting governor, hadn’t disbanded them. Danny was trying to catch Steve up on the situation as he drove him to the office the next morning. Steve had gotten meekly into the passenger seat again and that was just plain weird, like a pod-person.

“You remember him? Kealoha?” Danny said.

Steve gave a nod so curt, Danny wasn’t sure it was a yes.

“I figured you would because I said he looked like a rabbit and you said—do you remember what you said?”

“I said he looked like a weasel, and we should watch out for his claws.”

Danny glanced over, but Steve kept his eyes dead ahead. Just give him more time, Danny thought to himself. He’s in there. Somewhere. He looked at Steve’s hands, which were relaxed on his lap, and the way he sat. It was wrong. Steve was normally taut like a wire, ready to spring in any direction—this pod-Steve was limp, passive—all wrong. And it was weird to miss someone so much when he was right there in front of you.

Steve said exactly three words during the meeting with Kealoha and Danny did the rest of the heavy lifting, conversation wise, which was fine. He was the one who was up to speed on all the ins and outs of Five-O business. Steve was more than six months behind.

At the end Kealoha leaned back in his leather chair, steepled his fingers and said, “I’m glad you were exonerated, Commander, but I need a good reason to keep the Five-O Task Force intact. Can you give me one?”

Danny could not step in and say anything. He watched Steve stare the man down and say nothing for several minutes.

“I need a reason, Commander.”

Still Steve said nothing and kept up his thousand-yard stare, and that was starting to make Kealoha twitch. Danny had to admit Steve was right. The guy was a weasel.

“May I have a word alone with you, governor?” Danny said and handed his car keys to Steve, who looked at them for a moment as if he didn’t know what they were, then nodded and left the room.

“He’s been in solitary confinement for almost seven months for a crime he didn’t commit. He needs some time and probably a good psychiatrist to come back to us. You can’t expect him to just pick up where he left off.”

“As I remember, where he left off was a rogue mission to bring down a criminal mastermind.”

“No, that was after Wo Fat set him up. That doesn’t count,” Danny said.

“It counts in my book,” Kealoha said, turning back to his laptop as if he was done with Danny; and wow, that was rude.

“Give me a month,” Danny said. “One month. After all he’s done for the state of Hawaii and his country. You owe him that much.”

“I don’t owe him anything, nor does the state of Hawaii, but I will give you one month to get him back into fighting shape, or I’m going to have to disband the Five-O.”

Danny stuck out his hand, shook Kealoha’s, and went to find Steve, and then maybe he’d bash his own head into a wall, because how he was going to repair six months, scratch that, thirty-five years of damage in four short weeks was a mystery.

It was drizzling out, but Steve had climbed into the car, into the driver’s seat and Danny took that as a good sign. Steve was sitting there staring out the window at the ocean. Danny wondered if he’d been for a swim yet, but hadn’t had the heart to ask, because if the answer was, ‘no’ Danny thought he might just break.

Danny slid into the passenger seat, feeling hopeful and said, “OK, let’s head back to the Five-O and tell Chin and Kono—“

“Why?” Steve said.

“Because they want to know how the meeting went. They want to know what’s going to happen to their jobs, to their lives.”

“But why does any of that matter?” Steve wouldn’t look at him while he spoke.

“It matters,” was all Danny could think to say. “So start the car and let’s go.”

“Can’t.”

“Then switch places with me and I’ll drive.” Danny reminded himself he needed to be patient with Steve. He got out of the car and ran around because the rain had begun to fall more heavily.

From the driver’s seat he could just barely make out Steve still standing in the rain and staring at the ocean. Danny beeped the horn to get his attention. Steve jumped, but got back into the car. Danny had never seen Steve startle before and it gave him a sick feeling that bubbled up the back of his throat. This just wasn’t his Steve. This was pod-Steve and Danny didn’t know what to do with pod-Steve. He missed the arguing, the bickering, the horseplay, the zing of working out a case together—Steve’s ideas feeding Danny’s brain and vice versa, so that together they were able to come up with a solution. Danny really didn’t know how to do this on his own anymore.

One thing at a time, he told his churning gut. “Where are the keys?” he said.

The rain was thrumming heavily on the roof of the car, making it impossible to see out the windows. And for the first time since Steve had walked out of prison, Danny saw a different expression on his face—he looked worried, slightly sheepish.

“Where are my keys, Steven?” Danny demanded.

Steve turned and looked at him, his eyes slightly wild. “I threw them in the ocean.”

“Why? Why would you do that? You know they’re my only set of keys.” Danny was pissed, didn’t like being wet, or stuck with a car he couldn’t drive, but mostly he was worried because Steve was no longer just a pod-person, he was an irrational pod-person. The old Steve had been wild and unpredictable, but in the end he’d always been rational, dependable. That Steve was gone. The sick taste crept into the back of Danny’s throat and choked him.

Steve dropped his head into his hands and said nothing. He rocked himself back and forth gently, but said nothing, made no noise.

Danny called Kono and asked her to get a locksmith to come out and make a new key for his car. Then he called Catherine, who was the only person Danny knew in the military. They’d talked a lot since Steve had gone to prison. He’d kept her up to date on how Steve was doing. He’d hoped Steve would call her now that he was free, but he hadn’t. He’d already heard from Cath twice today.

“How is he,” was the way Cath answered the phone.

“Not good. He’s right here with me, but he’s having some kind of episode. He’s not violent. He’s kind of not anything. We need to find someone who can help him. Do you think you can help me locate a specialist who can work with him? It doesn’t matter where the person is. I’d fly to the moon with McGarrett right now if that’s what it took.”

“Of course,” Cath said. “I already started researching psychiatrists and I think you’ll be better off going with private care. Military providers are so swamped right now and under funded as it is. I have a lead on a guy in Manhattan, who sounds really promising. If I can get him to see Steve I’ll let you know ASAP.”

Hope blazed up in Danny’s chest. Manhattan. He could take Steve home and introduce him to his family. He knew his mother would go crazy and try to feed Steve up and that would probably be good for him, to have someone mother hen him for a bit. Danny was an OK nurturer, but he was an amateur compared to him mom, Bev, who’d raised four healthy kids, all college graduates, while working as a full time nurse at the hospital. Danny’s dad was a retired fireman and about as solid a guy as there was anywhere. Steve needed family right now, and since Mary would be about as comforting as a complimentary glass of gut rot scotch at a Casino at nine am, Danny would just have to lend Steve his.

Also Danny had been dreaming of real pizza, real bagels, real pastrami sandwiches, real good food, which meant the east coast. He knew he was getting ahead of himself, but he very nearly drooled at the thought of taking Steve to Katz’s or to Pizza Neopolitana, or Di Faro’s, or Mike’s, or Franks, taking him to look at the Atlantic—that big beautiful mess of gray green water that was always frigid and rarely surfable.

Steve still sat with his head in his hands. Danny thought about patting him on the back, but didn’t want to startle him again. Plus he was ignoring the urge to just hold him and rock him like an enormous baby. He had no idea why he wanted to do that, it was ridiculous, but the guy just looked so thoroughly wrecked.

The locksmith came and made another key for the car, as well as three copies, on the spot and charged Danny three hundred dollars, which he paid, because he wasn’t sure if Steve had any money. He’d have to get Chin to run Steve’s financials, to make sure there was a way to pay for this doctor in Manhattan. Danny didn’t care about the three hundred dollars so much, though he could only afford Steve throwing his keys away once.

Danny drove them back to the Five-O and deposited Steve in his office with nearly eight thousand new emails, of which he expected Steve would read exactly zero.

“Chin, I need you to run Steve’s financials. I’m going to have to take him somewhere, maybe New York, to see a specialist. He’s just locked himself away in his head somewhere and he can’t get out. But I can’t afford—”

“No problem, brah.” Chin typed in a few search strings and voila, there were Steve’s bank records, his retirement account, his stock portfolio, and the deed to his house.”

Danny breathed a sigh of relief. Steve could probably afford the doctor, unless the guy charged three thousands dollars an hour and wanted to see Steve every day. And in Manhattan that wasn’t impossible.

Kono went to pick up lunch and brought all of Steve’s favorite things back to the office. When Danny told him to come out and have lunch he got up from his desk, where he’d been doodling on a legal pad, but Danny noticed he hadn’t opened one email. He figured he better call Mary and explain things to her before she got on a plane and just showed up. He didn’t want her to see Steve like this, so broken. She’d already been through enough, but the real reason Danny didn’t want her there was because he also feared she’d push Steve further into the hole he was hiding in.

Steve took two bites of fried rice and said not a word, while Kono and Chin kept up a friendly banter. Steve was listening to them, but he didn’t join the conversation, even though Kono tried to bait him twice with jabs about his surfing.

She looked so sad the second time that Danny wanted to go over and hug her. He really had to stop wanting to hug his co-workers, like they were Grace, and a hug would make it all better. He really didn’t need a work place harassment complaint, not that Kono would ever do that to him.

Danny missed Grace terribly, but a trip to Jersey would mean he’d get to see her, and Rachel, who sometimes wasn't speaking speaking to him.

Danny was so excited to go he’d even made a mental packing list. He was more than ready to jump on a plane and drag pod-Steve with him. He was gob-smacked when Catherine called him just before five pm to say that Doctor Sayers couldn’t see Steve until February and that was four months away, and just no.

“Did you explain how important this is? What a severe cause of trauma he has? How urgent this is?”

“I tried, Danny. I’m so sorry.”

“Damn,” Danny punched his desk, which hurt his hand and broke the skin over two of his knuckles.

“I have one more lead, but the guy has a strange reputation. He’s not exactly the kind of guy I’d normally think would get along with Steve.”

“If he’s good at what he does and he’ll see Steve this week? I don’t care if he’s from another planet and eats worms through his nose.”

“OK,” Cath said. I’ll let you know.”

“Thanks, Cath. You’re a life saver.”

“It’s OK. I love him too,” she said and hung up.

Too. The word echoed in Danny’s ears. Well, OK he was very fond of Steve. Whatever. If Cath could get him into see this doctor, then Danny might be able to get Steve the help he needed, with the added benefit of being in New York and New Jersey. Being home.

The call came just before three am and it wasn’t Cath who called, but a Doctor Michael Linley.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. Did I wake you?” the doctor said.

“Yeah, we’re six hours behind New York time, here in Hawaii.” Danny yawned.

“I’m willing to see Mr. McGarrett—“

“Commander. It’s Lieutenant Commander McGarrett,” Danny said.

“Fine. But he’ll have to do things my way, and some people find that onerous, but those are the breaks.” The doctor laughed rather shrilly. Danny didn’t see how that could be relaxing or helpful.

“What does ‘your way’ entail?” Danny’d been sleeping on Steve’s couch, because one couch was very like another, and he was afraid to leave Steve alone after the car key incident. He had this weird fear that Steve would walk into the ocean and try to drown himself, if left alone too long.

“No refined sugar, no caffeine, lots of sleep, lots of water, and lots of meditation and exercise. Talk therapy for an hour once a day. Meds only if he absolutely needs them and possibly some yoga. He’ll have to keep a journal of his feelings.”

“OK, fine,” Danny said, trying not to imagine Steve doing yoga. “We can be there on Tuesday.”

“I’ll have my assistant send you the billing information and get all of Mr. McGarrett’s pertinent personal information at the end of the day here, when your office will be open.”

“Fine, but please, please, call him Commander McGarrett. He’s a naval officer.” Danny pinched the bridge of his nose, wondering how babysitting Steve had become his life. He liked to be honest with himself. He knew the answer was that he had chosen this task. No one had made him take care of Steve. There just wasn’t anyone else, he told himself. Cath was too busy and too far away. Mary could barely take care of herself. Chin and Kono would do what they could, of course, but that wasn’t enough.

Danny couldn’t sleep anyway so he booked two tickets to Newark, flying through Los Angeles and called his mother to tell her he was bringing Steve home and why.

“Oh, Danny. I barely have enough time to get my hair done and go to the store. We have no food in the house. Give a person some warning next time.”

“Mom, I know you always have enough food in the house to endure any disaster. Don’t worry about your hair. Steve isn’t going to care about your hair.”

“Well, I care about my hair, Daniel. Now what does Steven eat? Should I make a brisket?”

Danny smiled, but his heart wasn’t in it. Yet.


	2. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve meets Danny's family, is treated to a Sunday meal, and has his first appointment with Dr. Linley. There is also whiskey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Sirona who is both speedy and awesome as a beta.

No matter how much Danny loved Jersey, even he found the Newark International Airport oppressive with its brown and gray décor. Rachel and Grace met them in the arrivals hall near the bag claim and he hurried toward them.

“Danno!” Grace leaped into Danny’s arms and he gathered her up, saddened that before long she was going to be too big to scoop up like this. He enjoyed the ache in his back as he squeezed her. Rachel kissed him; she was looking very clearly pregnant, and Danny thought that was a hell of a way for Steve to find out. He really should have told him, though it had just never seemed like the right time.

Steve stood at what Danny guessed was “parade rest,” or whatever they called the Navy equivalent, his expression still mildly constipated. He must have noticed Rachel was knocked up. How could he not notice?

Grace jumped from Danny’s arms and ran at Steve. “Uncle Steve! I missed you!”

Steve unclasped his hands and they hovered in mid air before Steve brought them around Grace’s back as she hugged him around the waist.

“I’m so glad you’re not in jail anymore,” Grace said without releasing Steve. Danny cringed a little and waited for Steve’s reaction. He knew that Steve would never hurt Grace; he thought even pod-Steve wouldn’t hurt Grace, but he wasn’t as certain.

“Me too,” he said simply. It was the most normal exchange Danny had seen Steve have since he’d been released. He’d sat silent on the plane and stared straight ahead at nothing, but Danny noticed he fingers were tapping out a rhythm against each other. It almost looked like he was counting something.

“Steven, it’s good to see you again,” Rachel said and Danny noted the frost under her politeness. He couldn’t tell if Steve noticed or not.

Steve nodded in return; Danny thought he’d like to pry open Steve’s head, just to see what the hell was going in there.

“Well, Danny. Your mother started cooking yesterday. Come along” Rachel took his arm in one hand and Grace’s hand in the other.

Danny looked back—Steve just watched them for a moment before he picked up his duffle and followed. Danny had to check every few seconds to make sure he was still there, still following.

Steve acquiesced when Danny said he should sit in the front seat of the car, rather than folding himself up into the back seat. The old Steve probably would have argued about it, or at least teased Danny for being compact. Pod-Steve just did as he was told, widening the Steve shaped hole in Danny’s chest.

Danny tried to listen to everything Grace had to tell him on the short ride to his parent’s house in Montclair, but he was fidgety and unable to pay attention. Under normal circumstances Danny would have been nervous about subjecting Steve to his family, but these were not normal circumstances and he was more worried about what his family would make of Steve and his vacant stare, his odd silence, and the constantly twitching fingers.

He’d told his mother as much as he could about Steve’s state of mind and what he’d been through. She’d worked on the psych ward for years at the hospital, so she’d seen far worse cases than Steve’s. Danny had to remind himself that whatever was wrong with Steve, was probably pretty mild. He’d come through six months of solitary confinement without totally cracking up. He’d been trained to withstand that kind of thing.

He’d get Steve back into shape and then the Five O Task Force could find a replacement for Danny and then, and only then, did Danny feel like he’d be able to settle back down in New Jersey with his family.

“Danny? Did you hear what I just said?”

“What? Sorry, Rachel. Jetlag.”

“I said the doctor told me she knew the sex of the baby,” she said.

“Did you find out?” They hadn’t even discussed whether they wanted to know this time or not. They had opted to know that Grace was a girl before she was born.

“I told the doctor I needed to talk to you first.” Rachel shook her head. She shut off the car and wouldn’t look at him. They’d pulled into the drive way and Danny hadn’t even noticed. Rachel got out of the car and waited for Grace before going inside his parents’ white colonial house.

Already they were falling into old habits. Danny pinched the bridge of his nose and wondered if this was all a huge mistake. He undid his seatbelt and turned back to look at Steve.

“Come on,” Danny said.

He got out of the car and opened Steve’s door, which seemed to signal to Steve that it was time to get out of the car. He followed Danny to the trunk to get out the bags.

“Hello!” Danny’s mother came down the front walk and swept him into a crushing hug. She smelled like Nina Ricci and brisket and Danny was suddenly flooded with gladness. His mother was going to help him get Steve back, and it didn’t feel so impossible, or lonely.

Then she turned her smile on Steve.

“Hello, Steve. I’m Bev, Danny’s mom. We’re so happy to have you staying with us. We’ve heard so much about you from Danny, and Gracie. I hope you’re hungry. Now come inside before you freeze. Cold out today, isn’t it? It’s the first really cold day we’ve had. I’m sure it’s freezing compared to Hawaii.”

Danny’s mom made no effort to hug Steve, or shake his hand. She probably had a reason for that so Danny didn’t mention it. Steve followed his mother inside, and Danny brought up the rear. He could smell dinner before he even stepped into the house; his mouth watered. He hadn’t been home for a proper Sunday dinner in eighteen months, but it felt like ten years.

Danny’s father met them in the front hall. He was wearing his FDNY windbreaker and holding the dog’s leash.

“Sadie,” Danny greeted the mutt who ran at him, tail whipping back and forth. He grabbed her by the snout and dropped a kiss on her head.

Sadie looked up at Steve and wagged her tail, but didn’t approach him.

“Dad, this is my boss, Steve. Steve, this is my father, Mike Williams.”

Mike stuck out his hand and Danny really hoped Steve figured out what to do with it. Danny had no idea what his mother had told his father about Steve.

“Mike, remember what I told you,” Bev appeared and shook her head at Mike’s outstretched hand.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry. Well, welcome. It’s good to meet you.”

Steve nodded and Danny thought that was the best they could expect from him for now. At least he wasn’t doing that, ‘I’m looking down my nose at you,’ thing that he did sometimes. Danny’s father was only a few inches shorter than Steve.

Grace ran into the front hall, slipped her hand into Steve’s, and said, “We’re taking Sadie for a walk, Uncle Steve. Do you want to come with us?”

“OK,” Steve said. Everyone stared at him for a moment, before pretending to look elsewhere.

“You OK, Dad?” Danny asked him. His father nodded, but Danny was about to put his coat back on and go with them when Rachel appeared.

“I want to talk to you, Daniel.”

Danny watched Steve and Grace, still holding hands follow his Dad and Sadie out the door and onto the suburban street.

“What?” Danny hadn’t meant to sound so snappish, but Rachel’s attitude was starting to get under his skin.

“I’m worried. What if he doesn’t get better? Are you going to spend the rest of your life following him about? Ignoring your family?”

“Rachel.” Danny closed his eyes. He realized how scared she was, how alone she must be feeling, and he felt terrible. He held out his arms and waved her into a hug.

“I love you,” he said.

“I know you do, but you love him too.” She sniffled against his chest.

“Do I—well, I guess I do, but not like I love you.”

Rachel drew back from him and said, “I don’t think you have any idea how much you care about him, yet.”

“I don’t? What are you talking about? Is this a hormonal thing? I don’t remember this from the last time you were pregnant.”

Danny’s mother called from the kitchen to come and help her and Rachel said, “Go on then. We’ll talk later.”

Danny pressed a kiss to her forehead and went into his mother’s kitchen, which was, as usual, a hundred degrees and smelled like heaven.

“What do you need, Mom?”

“Where’s your boyfriend?” Bev looked around for Steve.

“He went for a walk with Gracie, and Dad. He’s my friend, but it’s not like that.”

Bev took a spoon from a pot and whacked Danny on the hand.

“Ow, mom!”

“You wouldn’t bring him, all the way from Hawaii, to me to feed unless you cared a heck of a lot about him. You can lie to yourself, and you can lie to Rachel, but you can’t lie to me, Daniel. Now, taste that and tell me if it needs salt.”

“OK. Steve and I are close. I care about him. He’s just so broken. I wish you could have met him before. He was like a force of nature.” Danny took a spoon out of the drawer and tasted the sauce in the pot with the brisket. “No, it’s fine.”

His mother poured some salt into her palm and added it to the pot. Danny rolled his eyes.

“So, what’s with the no touching thing?” Danny asked, not a little desperate to change the subject, as he fished a carrot out of the pot and ate it. It melted in his mouth. His knees threatened to give way.

“People who’ve been in solitary are often super sensitive to stimuli, to touch and sound. It’s better to take your cues from him and let him approach you. There’s no hard and fast rule, it’s just something I’ve noticed with patients suffering from similar symptoms.

“And depending on the conditions he was kept it he might have problems with his vision, and he definitely looks like he lost a lot of weight. I mean, you described him as Captain America. Right now he looks like Gracie could take him. Usually there isn’t enough room in the cells to do any exercise, and the food is terrible, really unhealthy.”

Danny groaned. “Knowing Steve, he ate as a little as possible. He’s kind of a health freak.”

“Well, I can feed him up. A month with me and he’ll feel a lot better.” His mother nodded and Danny knew she was absolutely right.

“His first appointment is tomorrow?” Bev opened the cupboard with the plates and handed a stack to Danny.

“Yeah, the guy sounds like a total health nut. No sugar, No caffeine, lots of exercise.”

“Where’s his office?” His mother pulled the brisket out of the pot and began to slice it on a large wooden cutting board with a groove for the juices.

“West 14th, I think.”

“Isn’t that where that café is, where Maggie worked when she was at NYU?”

“’Joe’? Yeah, I think so. Is she coming for dinner?”

“Not today. I told Maggie and Annie to come another day. Patti's working. I didn’t want to overwhelm Steve. I thought he probably needed to get used to your dad and I first.”

Danny kissed her on the cheek and stole a slice of brisket, which, like the carrot, kind of melted away in his mouth.

“Mom, you’re the best.”

“I know, Bubeleh.” She winked at Danny.

They heard the front door open. Grace stomped inside, laughing. Sadie was barking in excitement.

“I’ll get dinner on the table. You go get Steve settled and show him where the bathroom is.”

Danny kissed her again and went into the hall, where he was startled by the ruddiness of Steve’s face. Danny hadn’t explicitly noticed how pale Steve’d gotten, how white his skin had become. It was good to see some color in his cheeks anyway.

“Danno! Steve raced Sadie, but Sadie won.” Grace clattered down the hall and into the kitchen.

“See if you can help your grandmother, Gracie.”

“Okay,” she called back as she ran into the kitchen.

“Come on. I’ll show you where you’re staying.” Danny plucked at Steve’s sleeve. It was so automatic to touch him, and Danny wasn’t sure how to break the habit, but he didn’t want to overwhelm the poor bastard.

Steve picked up his duffle off the floor and followed Danny upstairs to his childhood bedroom.

“I shared this room with Matty, until I went away to college. We can push the twin beds together and maybe you can sleep, like diagonally, or something.” He watched Steve put his duffle on the floor. “You can use the dresser. The bathroom is across the hall. My parents have their own, so you won’t have to share with anyone. Towels are in the linen closet. If you need anything else, just ask my mom.”

Steve nodded and went to use the bathroom. Danny looked down at Steve’s bag and figured he might as well unpack, since he’d packed for Steve when they were in Hawaii. He’d just finished hanging the last things in the closet when Steve reappeared.

“Hope you’re hungry, because my mom’s brisket is magical.” Danny smiled at Steve and thought he saw some reaction, not a smile, but a twitch of his lips.

Danny led the way back down to the dinning room. The table was absolutely covered with steaming dishes. There was brisket and gravy, those little onions in cream sauce that Danny liked, carrots, mashed potatoes, peas, salad, and roasted beets because his father loved them. There were two kinds of rolls from the good bakery. And if Danny had to guess, there was a chocolate cake in the fridge too.

“Steve, you sit between Gracie and Danny.” She took his plate and filled it, but not as full as she might normally fill up a guest’s plate. Danny noticed she also gave him a lot of vegetables and only a little meat and gravy.

Steve said, “Thank you, Mrs. Williams,” in a hoarse voice.

“Bev, call me Bev. Now give me your plate, Rachel. We have to grow that baby.”

Danny watched Steve eat, like an anxious parent, so much so that he barely tasted what he was eating; that was criminal. Steve took tiny bites of food, but finally managed to eat all of his vegetables and most of his meat.

Rachel and his mother kept up the conversation, with Grace chiming in, and Danny only speaking when asked a question. His father, as usual, was quiet, but said how good all the food was several times. His parents shared a fond look at each other while Danny looked around the table. These were the people he cared most about in the world, except for his sisters, and his brother. He squashed thoughts of Matty down.

Grace and Danny helped his mother clear the table, and Rachel offered to fill the dishwasher and help with the dishes, while Bev made coffee and got out dessert. Steve was doing the counting thing with his hand again.

“What is that thing he’s doing with his fingers? Some kind of coping mechanism?” Danny asked his mother quietly, under cover of the running faucet in the kitchen.

She nodded, poured the rest of the gravy over the leftover brisket, and snapped a cover on the storage container. “He’s probably repeating something over and over in his head, like a poem or something he’s memorized. Counting it is a way to keep track of real time.”

“Couldn’t he just tell by dayligh—oh. He couldn’t see outside? For six months?” Danny’s voice soared and his mother shushed him. He scraped his fingers back through his hair. When they’d arrested Wo Fat, Kono had been close to losing it and shooting him. Danny had talked her down. Now he wished he hadn’t. “He didn’t tell me.”

“Has he told you anything?” His mother raised an eyebrow.

Danny shook his head. He noted the hunch of Rachel’s shoulders as she scrubbed a pot out.

“Do you want me to take over, babe?” He sidled up to her.

She shook her head. “No, I’m fine. I can do this myself.”

He knew it was stupid to attach a double meaning to her words, but he couldn’t help it. She’d been doing everything herself since she’d said she was pregnant. Danny hadn’t been there for her at all. And now she wouldn’t even let him wash a few dishes, which was how she got when she was hurting. She wouldn’t accept help from anyone.

Grace shrieked in the other room and they all rushed into the dining room to find her laughing. Danny sagged against the doorframe in relief. Steve had a spoon hanging from his nose and Grace was still laughing. Mike was smiling at Steve. Steve took the spoon of his nose, and his forehead wrinkled in concern.

“Who wants coffee?” Bev asked and set out coffee cups for everyone, but Rachel and Grace.

Steve had coffee, and Danny wondered if he shouldn’t. Dr. Linley had said no sugar, or caffeine, but that could probably start tomorrow. Danny had a large piece of cake, and was surprised his mother persuaded Steve to try a small piece, which he finished. Danny had never seen Steve eat anything sweet before, ever.

Rachel pulled Danny aside and said, “Look. I know you’re going to be worrying about him. So why don’t you stay here tonight? That way you can just get up and take him to the doctor in the morning, Okay?”

Danny kissed her, because sometimes words were inadequate. He said goodnight to a sleepy, sugar crashing Grace and watched them drive off.

He found Steve sitting on the couch in his parents’ living room watching Sixty Minutes with his father, which was so odd that Danny had to go into the kitchen and help his mother finish cleaning up.

“Relax, go sit down. You must be exhausted, kiddo,” Bev said. It looked like she was almost done, but Danny started the dishwasher.

“No, I need to keep moving, or go to bed.” Danny yawned despite the coffee and cake, or maybe because of it.

“Go on, then.” Bev kissed his forehead and squeezed him again. “I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you too, Mom. And thank you for taking him in like this. It means a lot to me.”

“It’s what family does. Now go to bed, before you drop.”

“Steve?” Danny stuck his head into the living room. “I’m going up to bed…”

Steve got up to follow him. Danny said goodnight to his dad, and hoped it didn’t seem rude that Steve said nothing. His dad didn’t always understand things the way his mom did.

“I’m going to sleep here tonight, since we have an early start in the morning.” Danny told Steve.

Steve nodded, sitting on the edge of his brother’s old twin bed. Danny was glad they hadn’t pushed them together.

“I unpacked for you earlier,” Danny said. He was kind of treating him the way he’d treat a six year old, not a thirty-six year old. “I put your socks and boxer shorts into the small drawers at the top of the dresser. Your cargo pants, and the one pair of jeans I found in here, t-shirts in the drawer below that. I hung up a few long-sleeved shirts and two sweaters in the closet.” He’d also packed a swimsuit. He held it up.

“There’s a YMCA down the street. We can get you a pass there if you want to swim. The ocean is too cold here, even for you. I brought both pairs of your running shoes and your workout clothes. They might not be warm enough, but we can get you heavier stuff if you need it.”

Steve nodded and yawned. His cheekbones had hollowed out and it made him look more feminine, a little fragile—the way his eyes stood out.

“I don’t know what you sleep in. I couldn’t find any pyjamas or anything—“

Steve stood up, slipped his shirt off over his head, and Danny couldn’t suppress the noise he made, like he’d been punched in the gut. Steve was pale and very thin. He’d lost more weight than Danny had thought. His glorious body had shrunk and thinned until he was all angles and bones. He still had a large frame, still had some muscle, more than a lot of people ever have—but compared to what he’d been before prison? Danny ached for him.

Steve turned and looked at him questioningly.

“Sorry, you’re just so damn skinny. I hate that this happened to you, Steve.”

Steve looked away, took off his belt, shed his pants, folded them up and put them on a chair with his shirt.

His mother was right. A month with her cooking would put a fair amount of that weight back on, if they could get Steve to keep eating, and get some exercise, neither of which should be a problem.

Steve fell into a fitful sleep and Danny could see him in the streetlight that filtered in through the edge of the blinds. He made a few soft noises that might or might not be a bad dream, but he didn’t wake up. Danny eventually slept hard and when he woke up, he found Steve’s bed was empty and neatly made.

Danny had slept in flannel pyjama bottoms, so he pulled on a t-shirt and went downstairs to find Steve looking sweaty and ashen faced, but drinking a glass of water by the kitchen sink.

“Go for a run?”

He nodded.

“Good, better you than me.” Though Danny would get in a run later, perhaps not as long as the ones Steve normally took, but respectable none-the-less. He poured himself a large cup of coffee and felt full of hope. They could get Steve back. He was exercising and eating and communicating, kind of.

Once they’d breakfasted, showered, and dressed, Danny’s dad dropped them off in Newark. They changed trains in Journal Square, got off at 14th Street, and walked west from Sixth Avenue. Steve looked especially rigid around so many people. Danny stayed close to him and let Steve walk right along side the buildings to minimize people getting into his personal space. The doctor’s office was between 8th and 9th and they found it with no problem.

Danny pushed the bell by Linley’s name and after a moment the door buzzed. Danny pushed it open and Steve followed him inside the building, which looked like a slightly crappy apartment building, rather than an office building.

“Two C, guess this is it,” Danny said, exchanging glances with Steve, before knocking on the red door.

They heard shuffling and a man in a dingy bathrobe, with about three days worth of beard, and an unlit cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth, opened the door and stared at them bleary eyed.

“What?” he said.

“Sorry,” Danny put his hands together in supplication, or maybe apology. “We’re looking for Dr. Linley.”

“Yeah, you must be Danny?” The man held out his hand. He reeked of tequila, like he was wearing it as aftershave, though he certainly hadn’t shaved any time recently.

“Wait. You’re Dr. Linley?” Danny glanced at Steve who had pod-Steve’s blank face on.

“In the not so nubile flesh,” he said and waved them in, shuffling back into his apartment. Danny heard the whistle of a teakettle and followed Linley inside to the most depressing apartment he’d ever seen.

“I’d offer you coffee, but trust me. You don’t want this shit.” Linley poured dark water full of coffee grounds into a cup. Danny fought the urge to grab Steve and run.

“You’re a doctor? This is your office? You went to medical school?” Danny looked around at the shot looking sofa and a chair with only one arm and its stuffing hanging out. There was a single picture on the wall of a beautiful woman.

“Who is that?” Danny said without thinking.

“No idea. I found it in the trash,” he shrugged and trudged over to the decrepit chair and sat down.

“Why don’t you leave Mr. McGarrett with me and we’ll get started,” he said.

“One? You have got to be kidding. Two? Lieutenant Commander McGarrett. Please call him that, or Steve.”

“Steve is fine. Have a seat, Steve.” Linley lit his cigarette.

Steve sat on the dilapidated sofa although it looked in danger of collapsing underneath his slight weight.

“You sure?” Danny said to Steve, fighting the urge again to drag him out of the apartment.

Steve nodded, that single curt up and down.

“Come back in an hour and bring me a decent cup of coffee, would you?” Linley said. He set his cup on the floor, while picking coffee grounds off the tip of his tongue.

Danny wandered back out into the hallway, shuddered at the peeling paint, and made a face at the section of wall that had suffered some kind of water damage. He hurried outside into the somewhat fresher air. He considered going for a drink instead of coffee, but it wasn’t even ten yet. He walked east across town and called Catherine, left a message asking her how exactly she found this nutball. When he hit Broadway he turned south and wandered into the Strand Bookstore. He’d kind of just gone there automatically, despite hating the place, because it always made him feel illiterate. He’d never been able to pick out a book in the damn store, with so many to choose from, and yet they somehow never had exactly the book he wanted. He walked through the aisles and looked at the neat piles of paperbacks on tables and didn’t comprehend a single word he read.

At a quarter of, he left the bookstore, headed for 13th and stopped in at ‘Joe’ to grab the doctor a coffee. He hoped black coffee would do. He felt far too jittery to have any himself.

Linley buzzed him back into the building. They met at Linley’s apartment door and exchanged Steve for the cup of coffee. Linley only said, “See you tomorrow, kids.”

When they were back out on the sidewalk Danny said, “Is there anything you want to do in the city before we head home?”

Steve hands him a cocktail napkin, smeared with what looked like lipstick. He made a flipping over motion with his hand. Danny turned the napkin over and saw the following, “Homework - Go get shit faced.”

“I thought he said no alcohol, no caffeine, no sugar?”

Steve actually smiled.

“What?”

“He said that was a test to see if you were serious.”

“He said you should do yoga.” Danny shook the napkin like it had personally insulted him.

“Yeah. He said yoga is for pussies,” Steve smirked and for a moment it was old Steve. Danny’s heart turned over in his chest, like a rusted engine.

Danny turned and looked around at the corner where they were. Being in the city was funny, because to Danny it had always felt like when he returned—he’d never been away.

“Come on, you’ve got homework to do.” Danny ushered Steve down to the White Horse and asked the bartender for, “Two Macallans, rocks.” And he passed over his credit card to start a tab.

By the time Catherine called they’d each had six whiskies and were feeling no pain. Steve still wasn’t talking much, but his finger twitchy thing had died down.

“Cath. The fuck? The quack you sent us to? Is a total whackdoo. Didja know that?”

“Are you drunk?”

“Yeah, it’s Steve’s homework. From your doctor. Are you sure he’s a real doctor? Where did he go to school? I bet it was a party school. Was it the Caribbean?”

“Uh, no. I think he went to Yale or Penn. One of them.”

“Well, he looks like Keith Richards, if he had no money and was younger and less wrinkly. So nothing like Keith Richards, actually.” Danny realized he was making less than absolute sense.

“I told you he was unorthodox,” Catherine sounded amused, which was good.

“L’chaim,” Danny said because the bartender set down another round of whiskies in front of them.

“Excuse me?” Cath said.

“Nothing, gotta go. You’re a nice shicksa, you know that, Cath. I can see why Steve fell for you. Later.”

“Thanks, I think. Bye, Danny.”

Steve raised his glass and said, “To madness.”

“Seriously? That’s what you’re going to go with? Why not drink to sanity? Aim for sanity, Steven. Please. I brought you to this nice tavern where famous writers have hungout and shit and all you can give me is that Hamlet bullshit?”

“Pfffffffffft,” was all Steve said as he sipped his whisky.

On the way back to the PATH station they passed a Fish and Chip place. Steve insisted they go in and he spoke to the guy working the counter with a fake British accent that sounded dead on to Danny.

“Where you from, mate? London?”

“Kensington, Abingdon Road.” Steve doused his blasting hot mess of fish and chips in vinegar and salt and did the same to Danny’s without asking. They left the shop clutching their greasy packets of goodness. Steve threw a “Cheers, mate,” over his shoulder. The devoured them before they even got on the train, though they both had greasy fingers.

Steve passed out on the train with his head slumped over on Danny’s shoulder. Danny nestled into Steve’s side, closed his eyes and breathed in the soothing smell of Steve mingled with the sharpness of vinegar. Anyone looking at them would assume they were a couple, but the thought didn’t make Danny uncomfortable at all. He should probably think about that some, but he was too drunk and lulled into a stupor by the swaying motion of the train.

They called Danny’s father to come pick them up. He merely shook his head at them when he realized they were wasted. Danny’s mother had gone to work and left instructions on how to reheat the brisket, but Danny and Steve crawled into their twin beds and passed out, by silent, but mutual consent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos make my day and are much appreciated. Concrit is also absolutely welcome.


	3. Clueless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Sirona for the beta read! <3

Danny’s phone woke him. His head was thundering and seemed two sizes too small. His mouth was scummy, like an overgrown swimming pool. The ring tone was Rachel’s; he managed to fish his phone out of his pants, which were crumpled on the floor next to the bed. He glanced over at Steve who appeared to still be asleep.

“Hello?” he croaked.

“Oh, were you asleep?” Rachel sounded unapologetic.

“Yeah, sorry.” Danny yawned and glanced at the phone. It was half past eleven. Damn. He’d missed saying goodnight to Grace. “Please, tell Grace I’m sorry I didn’t call or come home.”

“Tell her yourself. I need to be in the city tomorrow for an interview at nine. I’m going to drop her off with you early in the morning. She’s off school, so you’ll have to take her with you, if you’re taking Steve to the doctor.”

“OK, sounds good.” Danny flopped back on the bed. “I should come home. Then I can bring her with me tomorrow and save you the trip.”

“No, it’s late. You sound tired, Danny. You’ve also been drinking. I know that sound all too well.”

“It was Steve’s homework. The doctor told me to get him drunk.” Like that made it better that he’d missed saying good night or hadn’t bothered to tell Rachel where he was.

“Well, I hope you’ll both find something more suitable to do with Grace tomorrow.”

“Yeah, we’ll stay out of bars. I promise. I don’t think I want to repeat what we did today ever again.”

“Your head?” Rachel sounded amused. “Take some _Panadol_ and drink some water. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Wait. How are you feeling? What’s this interview for?” Danny noticed that Steve had awoken and was staring at him, his eyes shining faintly in the dark room. He probably should have taken the call downstairs.

“I’m fine, Danny. Just tired. We can talk tomorrow.”

“All right. Good night, Rachel. I love you.” Rachel hung up. Danny tossed his phone on the nightstand and looked over at Steve. “How’s your head?”

“Mmmmph,” Steve said and squeezed his eyes shut.

Danny swung his legs out of bed and sat on the edge, waiting for the dizziness to pass. Then he got two big glasses of water and a handful of ibuprofen, took two, passed two to Steve, and set the extras on the dark wood nightstand between the twin beds.

“We’re going to have Grace with us tomorrow,” Danny explained. Steve nodded and his stomach rumbled.

“There’s some brisket in the fridge, come on.” Danny padded down the stairs and reheated the brisket on the stove, which took longer, but his mother had forbidden him from microwaving it. She’d left a very emphatic note that said so, but that it was OK to microwave the leftover potatoes.

They ate in silence at the kitchen table with only the light over the oven on so that it was semi-dark. Danny’s thoughts were slow and goopy. He wasn’t sure, but he thought he might still be drunk. Steve cleaned his plate and then said, “Is there any more?”

“No, we finished it off. But I can make you some eggs or something.”

Danny’s mother came home from work at just that moment. “Hello?” she called from down the hall.

“In the kitchen, mom.”

“Did you finish the brisket? Good. I want to hear all about today, but let me make a cup of tea first.” Danny’s mother whisked their dirty plates off the table and had them in the dishwasher before Danny could even protest. She flipped on the overhead lights and checked to see if Steve winced or looked uncomfortable, which he did a bit. She shut them off and turned on the light over the sink instead.

“Steve’s still hungry. I was going to make him some eggs.” Danny stretched.

“That’s good. I’ll do it. I could actually use bite to eat too. You good Danny? You sure? Steve, do you want to split an omelet with me? A little cheese and some whole wheat toast?” Danny’s mom had the eggs and a block of sharp cheddar cheese out of the refrigerator already.

Steve nodded and said, “Thanks, Bev. That sounds great.”

In no time Danny’s mother had produced a pillowy looking omelet that was lightly browned on the outside, creamy on the inside, the pale yellow flecked with green bits of herb. She buttered four slices of toast, cut them all on the diagonal and set the plates on the table.

“Let me have a bite?” Danny said to Bev.

She pushed her plate in front of him and warned him, “One bite. One, Danny.”

“Mmmmm, OK,” Danny said with his mouth full.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full, Danny. So, this doctor…”

Danny swallowed, glanced at Steve and gave him a moment to speak up. When he didn’t Danny figured he’d better do the talking. Steve looked impassive and had his mouth full of omelet anyway.

“Total nutbar. He lives in this terrible apartment, just terrible. His building makes my old place in Hawaii look like freakin’ Better Homes and Gardens. And the hallway was filthy. So we get there and the doctor? He opens the door in this nasty old bathrobe, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and he wants me to go buy him coffee. He doesn’t have an office or anything, right? Just this really sad couch and a chair that looks like it’s about to give up the ghost. I felt weird about leaving Steve there. I was afraid he might catch Ebola or something. The place was seriously, seriously nasty, Mom, you have no idea. So, I went for a walk and then got the crazy doctor his coffee. When I got back there he takes the coffee and shoves Steve out the door with this dingy cocktail napkin that says Steve’s homework is to get drunk.”

“He didn’t!” Bev said.

“Yes, he did. He totally did. We went over to the White Horse and had a few scotches, you know, like nine of them. Then we came home. Dad picked us up. Uh—then we sort of passed out. Anyway Rachel called to say she’d be leaving Grace with me tomorrow. Do you know about this interview of hers?”

“Yeah, but it’s her news to share. She’ll tell you when she’s ready. This doctor sounds like a _meshugina._ ” Bev scooped the last bite of her omelet onto her toast. “Steve, do you think he can help you? Did you like him?”

Steve shrugged and shook his head to indicate that he wasn’t sure. Danny noticed he hadn’t been doing the counting thing and wondered if that was good or bad.

“So, what do you want for dinner tomorrow? Think we should make Steve some lasagna?”

“Yes, Steve should get to try your lasagna at least once in his life. But, mom, you know you don’t have to cook every night. We can go out, or I can cook.”

“No!” Both Steve and Bev said together and then started laughing. Danny was too happy to see Steve laughing to care that they were laughing at him.

Steve insisted on doing the dishes, so Danny dried them and then they went up to bed. Once they’d brushed their teeth and settled in with the lights out Steve said,” You changed your ring tone.”

“I what?” Danny asked. He was worrying about what Rachel was up to so it took him a moment to process what Steve had said.

“You changed Rachel’s ring tone,” Steve said.

“Oh, yeah. Sinatra. I thought it was more fitting than ‘Psycho’ especially with the new baby coming and all.” Danny waited for Steve to say something about the baby.

“Blue Hawaii,” was all Steve said and he didn’t seem inclined to speak after that. He shifted so that his back was to Danny.

Danny had a strong urge to tell Steve it didn’t mean anything, but his feelings were so tangled on the matter he wasn’t sure whether he meant the song didn’t mean anything about Rachel, the mother of his children, which was ludicrous. Or whether the song didn’t mean Danny had any special feeling about Hawaii, which he so did. Or whether any of it was mixed up with how he felt about Steve. Then he heard Steve’s gentle snore and it didn’t matter anyway. Danny took a while to fall asleep and when he did he dreamed that he’d lost something, but couldn’t remember what it was, and didn’t know how to look for it, but the sense of loss tugged at his ribs and hollowed him out.

*

 

Danny was rudely awoken when sixty-four pounds of ten year old barreled into his belly.

“Oooof!”

“Wake up, Danno!”

“I’m awake, Monkey. I’m awake.” Danny hugged Grace and reminded himself that he’d missed saying goodnight to her the night before and snapping at her first thing in the morning would not be a good way to start the day.

“We’re going into the city?” Grace said. “With Uncle Steve?”

“Yeah, if you don’t mind coming with us?” Danny knew the answer and received it at ear splitting decibels.

“OK, OK. Have you eaten breakfast?”

“No, Grandma is making me eggs right now. She said if you get your act together she’ll make some for you too.”

“Oh, if I get my act together?” Danny said and Grace giggled. Danny looked over, not surprised to find Steve’s bed neatly made and empty. “Did you see Uncle Steve downstairs?”

Grace shook her head. “Grandma said he’s out running and giving Mrs. Murphy heart failure.”

“What’s that suppose—you know what? Never mind.” Danny brushed Grace’s hair back from her forehead.

There was a hint of frost edging the window panes and he pulled on a pair of socks because he knew the floors downstairs would be cold. Danny climbed out of bed and cracked his back.

“How do you do that, Danno? Does it hurt?” Grace twisted her back, but it didn’t make a sound.

“It just happens as you get old. Especially if you work with a crazy person like Uncle Steve,” Danny immediately wished he hadn’t said that. He was out of practice verbally filtering things for Grace.

They went down into the kitchen where Danny poured himself a big cup of coffee in a Rutgers mug and kissed his mother good morning. She smoothed his hair and went back to flipping eggs over easy, for Grace, over hard, for Danny’s father, who she said was out walking Sadie.

“How do you want ‘em?” she asked Danny.

“Three. Scrambled, please.” Danny sat down at the table and opened the paper. His parents got the Daily News and the New York Times delivered. The Times felt familiar in his hand and he’d missed it; it’d been too expensive to get in Hawaii. The Daily News was always a hoot, though Danny found he couldn’t read too many of the articles without wanting to get into a fistfight.

Steve came in sweaty and red-faced. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and Danny thought he must be half frozen. He looked startled by the full kitchen and started to back out of the room, but it was too late because Grace was on him in a second.

“Uncle Steve! You’re cold!” She hugged Steve anyway and Steve smiled down at her and patted her on the back, and it wasn’t anything like the bear hugs he used to give her before, but it was a step in the right direction. Danny found himself hoping more and more that Steve was going to be OK, that they’d get him back.

“I should go take a quick shower.” Steve hurried upstairs.

“So, Steve upset Mrs. Murphy?” Danny asked. Mrs. Murphy, who lived across the street, had seemed like an old lady when Danny was a kid, but oddly she didn’t seem nearly as old now that Danny was an adult. Still she was pushing seventy.

“No, Mrs. Murphy goes out to cheer him on. Wearing her best bathrobe,” Danny’s mother bit back her smile, gently moving the eggs about in the pan. “I’d say she likes him.”

Danny groaned.

“Your sisters are coming for dinner on Friday, so be prepared. They’re going to like him too.” Danny’s mother raised an eyebrow and Danny was horrified that Grace smiled as if she understood what her grandmother was saying.

“What are you smiling about, Monkey?” Grace smiled back, but she had ketchup on her lip. She was too young to know about this stuff. Wasn’t she? Danny scrubbed a hand over his face.

“Mrs. Murphy has a crush on Uncle Steve! And Aunt Maggie probably will too.” Grace giggled and Danny felt a piece of his soul shrivel and die.

Danny moaned something about Grace being too young to understand and buried his head in his hands. His mother smacked him on the back of his head, but not that hard.

“Mom!”

“Danny, she has to grow up. Don’t squelch her. You’ll give her a complex.”

“She’s going to give me a complex,” Danny muttered, but turned it into a cough when his mother glared at him. She still kissed him on the head when she tipped half the pan of scrambled eggs onto his plate. He’d have to get his mother to show him how she got them so custardy and light.

Danny sent Grace into watch TV while he did the breakfast dishes. Steve came down fully dressed and clean. He still looked too scrawny to Danny, but his face was losing that hollow, pinched look, slowly. Danny reminded himself it was going to be a long hard road and Steve would probably never be what he’d been.

“I can make myself something, Bev.” Steve moved toward the stove.

“You have the rest of your life to cook for yourself, Steven. While you’re here I get to spoil you. So, sit down.” She was wielding her spatula like a weapon and Steve went and sat at the table. Danny poured him a cup of black coffee.

“Now, how many eggs and how do you want them?”

“Four, please. How ever is easiest,” Steve said.

“How do you like them? Danny, how does he like his eggs?”

“Poached, but he’ll eat them sunny side up too.” Danny shut off the tap and dried his hands.

He needed to hurry if they were going to make the nine-thirty train. He ran up and took a very fast shower and threw on the warmest clothes he’d brought. He’d need to get some new gloves, which he could easily do in the city. They sold them on every street corner all winter.

Danny hurried down to find his mother glaring at Steve and Steve glaring right back.

“What the hell is going on? Talk about a deafening silence. Mom?”

“Please tell your friend that I won’t take any money from him.” Bev sniffed and went upstairs.

“You tried to give her money?” Danny should have warned Steve about that.

“For groceries. She asked me what I wanted from the store and I just tried to—“ Steve looked a little shattered.

“I know, babe. She’s got a thing about hospitality. She’s half Italian, half Latvian Jew. It’s a thing. But let me warn you she’s coming to visit you in Hawaii some time and she will eat her weight in Ahi. So you’ll pay her back then.”

“But…”

“Let it go, Steven. She’s not mad. It’s just her thing. She’ll make you something obscene for dessert now so you know she still likes you. We have to hustle, or we’re not going to make the train.”

*

Danny felt bad about having to take Grace into Linley’s decrepit building and made her stand off to the side in case the guy opened the door naked or something, but it was safe. He was wearing his grubby rust colored bathrobe again and slippers that looked like they’d been new in the Paleolithic era.

Grace just stared at the doctor open-mouthed.

“Hey, kid,” the doctor said to her and stood by to let Steve in. “See you in an hour and bring me a latte, OK?” Linley shut the door.

“Bring him a latte? Did he just say to bring him a latte?” Danny closed his eyes for a moment and then turned to Grace. “Let’s get out of here, go for a walk.”

“May I have a latte, too?” Grace skipped down the stairs and out onto 13th Street.

“Can you have a latte? Yeah. Sure. When you’re twenty-five.”

Grace pursed her lips. “Mom, let’s me have decaf lattes.”

“She does?” Danny raised his eyebrows. “Well, they stunt your growth. Do you want to be a midget like your father? No, you don’t.”

Danny had checked out the neighborhood on his phone while they were on the train and found there was an excellent children’s bookstore over on 18th. Grace chattered at him happily as they walked over to _Books of Wonder,_ where Danny promised to let her pick three books. It was good to have the gray concrete of Manhattan under the soles of his feet, the grit, the black splotches, the people yelling, no one trying to hang flowers on your or be friendly. God, he loved Manhattan the way fire loves oxygen.

While Grace was looking at books Danny texted Chin and Kono to arrange a time to talk that evening. He called Catherine to apologize for yesterday, but got her voicemail.

“Cath, sorry about yesterday. I’ll be around if you want to chat.” He had no idea how much she wanted to be kept apprised, but figured he’d err on the side of caution. Though, to be honest, he liked feeling like other people has horses in this race and he wasn’t alone.

Grace had trouble narrowing down her book choices to three, but they compromised and Danny bought her the box-set of all the “Anne of Green Gables” books as well as two more chapter books. He’d never been a big reader, but he was happy to encourage Grace to read all she wanted.

They stopped in at ‘Joe’ to get Linley his latte and made it back to 13th with a couple minutes to spare. A young woman with cotton candy pink hair walked by them and Danny laughed when Grace’s eyes popped out of her skull.

And he said, “No. Never,” before she could even ask anything.

Steve came down before they had a chance to ring the bell and come up. He took the latte and started to drink it, which was weird because he never drank milk in his coffee.

“I thought that was for Linley,” Danny said, hands out to ask, ‘what gives?’

“Fu—” Steve’s eyes flicked to Grace and he just shook his head.

“You’re going to tell me later,” Danny said through his smile. “Homework?”

Steve shook his head again. He looked thoroughly pissed. Danny thought pissed off was probably better than pod Steve, or scared Steve.

Danny was about to suggest getting some lunch when Rachel called. She sounded very excited and said that she had news and could they meet her for lunch.

“Mommy wants us to meet her for lunch?” Danny said to Grace who nodded, excitedly, and to Steve who said nothing. “Sure, Rachel. Where?”

“ _Le Bernardin,_ ” she said. “In an hour?”

“Yeah, I know where that is. In an hour, yeah.”

Danny put his phone back in his pocket and was about to say that they should walk over to 7th to pick up a number one train to 50th, but Steve looked so unhappy that Danny just gave him a minute to decompress.

“Look, go have lunch with Rachel and Grace. You don’t want me there. I need to go do something else anyway.” Steve turned on his heel and walked off quickly down 13th towards 9th Avenue. Danny had no idea if Steve even knew where he was going.

“Steve! Wait!” Danny tried to pull Grace along to catch up, but they weren’t quick enough and Steve didn’t stop or turn around. He was an adult and he had money and his phone. Danny knew he could get the train back on his own. The PATH just wasn’t that complicated. He felt a ragged ache in his chest seeing Steve so upset, but it’s not like Danny didn’t know the healing process sucked.

“Is Uncle Steve OK?” Grace looked very worried, her little face all puckered.

“I don’t know. I hope so, Grace. I really hope so. Let’s go meet your mom.”

They had a table near the windows. The atmosphere was elegant, but not stuffy, all warm wood tones and white tablecloths. Danny hadn’t been to _Le Bernardin_ before, but he knew it by reputation. It was supposed to be one of the best restaurants in the city. He knew Rachel was about to tell him she’d just gotten some sort of job—which was great, in theory. But they hadn’t talked about her going back to work after the baby was born. She’d gotten used to living well with Stan and she wasn’t about to go back to living on a cop’s salary. That stung.

Rachel was so excited she was practically shimmering. She didn’t even notice Steve wasn’t with them.

Danny leaned in to kiss her on the cheek and said quietly, “I hope your good news is about money because this place costs as much as I spent on food in a semester back in college.”

“Lunch is a present from the CFO over at _Watson and Shelldinger,_ so it’s not going to cost us anything. And yes. I have news. They just offered me a position as their senior financial analyst. And before you ask—yes, they have daycare in the building so I’ll be able to take the baby to work with me. And yes, they’ll let me take six months maternity leave so long as I work from home part of the time. And I’ve accepted the position.”

“You accepted a job, without talking to me first?” Danny was speaking through his clenched teeth. Grace looked worriedly from one parent to the other. He thought that this really wasn’t the sort of restaurant to bring her to either, though she liked fish well enough.

The waiter came over to take their beverage orders and talk to them about the menu. Rachel ordered a glass of wine, which her doctor said she could drink from time to time. Grace asked for a ginger ale and Danny ordered a scotch, even though he was still feeling rough around the edges from yesterday.

“Daniel, where is Steve?” Rachel finally noticed he was missing.

“I don’t know. I think he had a hard session with his shrink and wanted to be alone.”

“He looked so upset, Mommy…” Grace was distracted when her ginger ale came with two cherries in it.

Rachel changed the subject and told Danny more than he ever wanted to know about the firm she’d be working for. He ordered the _Kumamoto_ oysters and the lobster since he wasn’t paying for it.

He had a second, and then a third scotch, which took the edge off. He didn’t have a fourth, but only because Rachel looked like she was going to gut him with the tiny lobster fork. The scotch also dulled his palate and he didn’t enjoy the lobster nearly as much as he should have. It was pulled from the shell and came with wilted romaine and some kind of sauce that he couldn’t remember. It was rich and savory, but not heavy.

He was furious that Rachel had taken the job, but he felt rather than knew he was being unfair. Their plan had been to move back to New Jersey and make a life with their two children, right? So what was Danny’s problem? He needed to get a grip on himself.

After lunch they stopped by the Magnolia Bakery to pickup cupcakes. Danny stood outside on the corner of Bleecker and West 11th, leaning against the painted red brick. because the place is about as big as a broom closet. The smell from the bakery was like vanilla-scented-heaven. It was kind of soothing. Too soon Rachel and Grace were back carrying two small white boxes.

“I got chocolate, vanilla, and red velvet so you and Uncle Steve can choose.” Grace looked happy, but even that didn’t smooth Danny’s mood.

They walked up to the PATH station. Rachel looked elegant in a black dress, flats, and a cardigan. She couldn’t wear a suit because she was pregnant. Danny felt like a total shit for not being proud of her—that she was so smart and so capable that a firm wanted to hire her even though she was pregnant and shortly going to need maternity leave.

He caught her by the arm and said, “I’m really happy for you, Rachel. Congratulations.”

She nodded and smiled, but it was a sad smile, full of pity. What the hell was that about?

On the train Danny tried texting Steve several times, but got no response.

“If anyone can take care of himself, it’s Steve,” Rachel said.

“Mmmmm,” Danny said, but wasn’t sure that that was true anymore.

Rachel pulled up at his mom’s house without saying anything. Danny kissed her and Grace and then got out of the car and went inside to wait for Steve to come home. He’d brought in one of the boxes of cupcakes. He ate three of them, as he grew more anxious. The sugar coated his tongue and made him completely wired. He went for a run, but felt like he was going to vomit for the first mile and walked the rest of the way.

When he got back home, his mother was putting away groceries, but Steve still hadn’t called or shown up. Danny got so antsy after a while that his mother made him wash windows until he was worn out and every window in the house was spotless.

Kono called and he didn't want to tell her that he didn't know where Steve was, so he just said he was napping. Kono said all the leads they'd followed up on Wo Fat's associates were dead ends and that whole case seemed so far away. Danny didn't have any ideas about what to do and if Kono thought that was unusual, she didn't say so.

"I'll call again on Thursday to say 'hi' to Steve, OK. Call us if you need anything. Chin says, 'howzit.'"

Just before dinner, Steve finally called and Danny took his mom’s car to pick him up. He looked far less tense than he had earlier, but he had an enormous bruise on his face. His bottom lip was swollen.

“What the hell happened to you? And if you tell me the first rule of fight club is that you do not talk about fight club, I will remind you that I am licensed to carry a fire arm in this state, my friend.”

“I joined a gym,” Steve said.

“With your face?” Danny spluttered.

“That doesn’t even make sense,” Steve said.

Danny’s mom fussed over Steve’s bruise and made him put a bag of frozen peas on it, but she didn’t ask how it had happened, which drove Danny nearly insane, because this was the woman who had had to know how he gotten every scrape when he was a kid. Steve showed up looking like he went two rounds with a Mack truck and she didn’t ask?

The lasagna, at least, was excellent. Steve had three helpings and then ate a red velvet cupcake, once he was sure that neither of Danny’s parents wanted it. They all sat in the living room and watched the Knicks trounce the Celtics. Bev was a big Knicks fan and did not hesitate to yell at the TV, which Steve seemed to find amusing.

When the game was over Danny said good night and Steve got up to walk him out.

“You gonna be OK, because I can stay?” Danny gestured back at the house.  
“Go home to your family, Danny.”

Danny nodded and got in the car. The way Steve had said ‘family’ like it was four-letter word rang in his ears the whole drive to Weehawken. He had trouble sleeping with Rachel. He just wasn’t used to having another person in bed with him anymore.

Danny woke up exhausted and irritated. He snapped at Grace and Rachel dragged him to their bedroom and said, “Why don’t you beg off today? Surely, Steve can make it to his appointment on his own. You’re not his baby sitter, Danny. And you need to get some rest. I won’t have you taking out your exhaustion on Grace. She deserves better.”

“I’m sorry.” Danny shook his muzzy head.

“I’m going to drop Grace at school and then I’m going into the city to fill out paperwork and get some things organized. I should be back by three. Lila’s mother is going to drop Grace at home.”

Danny nodded and called Steve and left a message. He called his father, just to be sure that he could drive Steve to the PATH station. He didn’t want to assume that his father had nothing better to do now that he was retired.

“It’s not a problem, Danny. He’s out running now, but I’ll make sure he gets your message.”

Danny went back downstairs and apologized to Grace and explained that he hadn’t slept well. She was as sweet and understanding as always. He really didn’t deserve her. He kissed her and Rachel and watched them drive away, while a pot of coffee dripped and hissed behind him. He’d wanted to be right where he was for so long and now that he was there? He found it wasn’t what he wanted at all.

Steve called and said, “It’s fine Danny. I’ll be fine. See you later.” He hung up before Danny could say anything back.

He looked at the full coffee pot and thought about going back to bed and then decided to throw on some clothes and go over to his parents’ house instead. Maybe his mother could help him sort out what the hell was going on and why no one was communicating with him.

She put on a fresh pot of coffee and sat down at the oval table in the warm yellow kitchen. Danny sat down heavily.

“They don’t want to put you in an awkward position,” she said.

“Who doesn’t?” Danny said.

“Rachel and Steve, both.”

Danny waved his hand, to pull further explanations out of his mother.

“Are you blind? They both love you. Neither one wants to make you chose. Neither of them wants to be the bad guy.”

Danny got up and poured himself a coffee and scratched his head and turned back to his mother. “What are you saying?”

“Rachel loves you, yes?”

“Yes.”

“Steve also loves you, Danny. And you love him right back. What kind of detective are you? Please, tell me you’re not usually this dense. I know you were a good cop at one point.”

“I love Steve?”

“Oh, _Marone._ ” Danny’s mom shook her head and when she started to drift into Italian she was well and truly upset.

“What makes you think I’m in love with Steve?”

“I’m your mother. I know everything. You can fool yourself, but you can’t fool me. You also can’t fool Rachel. So it’s time to piss or get off the pot, Danny. _Capisce_?”

“Oh, crap. I love Steve.” Danny dropped his cup of coffee.

“I know, _bubeleh._ I know. Now what are you going to do about it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The current menu at [Le Bernardin](http://www.le-bernardin.com/) has lobster with a different sauce, but they change seasonally. And I swear if you ever depressed you should go stand outside Magnolia Bakery when they are baking the vanilla cupcakes. It is the single best smell on earth.


	4. Torn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to Sirona and Sunhawk who made me rewrite this chapter a couple of times so it didn't suck. They are awesome.

Danny realized it should’ve been embarrassing to have his mother point out that he’s in love with his boss, his best friend, but oddly it wasn’t. Even when the man in question strode into the kitchen a moment later, half naked and sweaty to chug a big glass of water—it wasn’t. Danny couldn’t help but watch the way sweat dripped down Steve’s throat. He was standing close enough that Danny could feel the heat radiating off Steve’s body. Danny swallowed hard.

He didn’t have the emotional space to be embarrassed because he was full up with Steve. He loved Steve. He had to grip the counter so as not to reach out and grab him and pull him close, pull him into a kiss. God, he wanted to kiss him, fully and deeply. Now that the damn had burst, Danny couldn’t stop thinking of things he wanted to do to Steve. He let his eyes travel down the length of Steve’s body.

“What?” Steve looked at him askance.

Danny shook his head, not trusting his voice, or his ability not to blurt out something insane like, “I love you. Let me blow you.”

Steve gave Danny another curious look and said he was heading upstairs to take a shower. Danny watched the roll of his hips until Steve had left the kitchen.

“Shit,” Danny tugged at his hair and his mother got up from the table.

“I know, kid.” His mother patted him on the back. She rinsed out her coffee cup and put it in the dishwasher.

“What the hell do I do now?” Danny didn’t know why he was asking his mother, but she seemed to know a lot more than he did.

“Talk to him. You’ve got to talk to him.” She gave him a look of sympathy and jerked her thumb toward the stairs.

Danny nodded and went up to wait for Steve to get out of the shower. Maybe it was too soon to tell him; maybe Steve wouldn’t be able to handle the news of Danny’s affection? Maybe he’d be mad or unhappy—though Danny’s mother and Rachel both seemed to think Steve loved him too. He went round and round trying to decide what to do, how to handle the situation and was so wound up when Steve came into the bedroom with a towel hanging off his hips that he just blurted out, “I’m in love with you.”

Steve blinked and stood there, but his expression shifted to something less in the bemused range to something more in the smoldering range. He balled his hands into fists as if he was worried he was going to grab Danny, or possibly as if he wanted to hit him.

“Shit. Sorry. I shouldn’t have just blurted it out like that,” Danny wanted to cross the room so badly he was almost shaking with need.

“Rachel.” It seemed to cost Steve something to say her name. The expression in his eyes was wary, worried, and weary.

“What about her?” Danny said, still staring at Steve’s mouth and trying not to stare down at his naked torso and the towel barely clinging to his hips.

“She’s pregnant for starters.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. Shit.

“We can’t… not while you’re with Rachel. It’s not right. Especially after your parents have been so kind to me.”

Danny nodded. Steve was absolutely right and Danny didn’t want to make the same stupid mistake twice, even if Steve couldn’t get pregnant. A treasonous little voice whispered that it was OK, no one would ever know, but Danny knew he couldn’t live with himself if he made infidelity a habit. And really he didn’t want things with Steve to start off that way.

Danny looked down at his hands, which lay in his lap. “I’m so confused. I—I didn’t know. I thought I knew what I wanted, but I want you and I want to go back to Hawaii and… fuck. How did things get so screwed up?”

Steve shook his head. It’s not like Danny had expected him to have an answer. He took a pair of boxers out of the old dark wood dresser and slipped them on. Danny watched the material slide up Steve’s legs and over his ass. He ached to touch Steve, wanted to run his hands, his tongue, his everything all over Steve’s still too thin body. But Rachel… right. Danny took a steadying breath.

Steve was clearly aware of Danny’s stare and hastily pulled on a pair of pants and buttoned them, before turning back to Danny. “I just have to ask you one time. Are you sure the baby is yours?”

Danny shook his head. “No. I’m not, but I don’t feel like I can ask her for a paternity test, you know. It’d be like calling her a liar. And I just don’t think I can do that after everything I’ve put her through.” He felt awful, like his heart was being torn in two. He crossed the room and hesitated putting his fingers under Steve’s chin, to get Steve to look at him. His mother had said to follow Steve’s cues and the way he was standing, slightly defensive posture, arms folded across his bare chest, eyes downcast, said, “Don’t touch.”

Danny dropped his arms to his side, but bent down so he was in Steve’s line of sight. “Hey. How long?”

Steve shrugged and looked away, but Danny moved back into his line of sight again. He regarded Steve’s bruises, which were blossoming today, blue-black blotches across his cheek and outside his right eye. The dark color deepened his eye color. His eyes were a dark blue today, deep, ocean colored—Atlantic.

“How long, Steven?”

Steve shook his head. Something shuttered behind his eyes. Danny really didn’t know if he should let it go, or if he should push Steve on this, but he was feeling the desire to know above all else and he knew that was selfish.

“How long?” he repeated.

“Since the beginning.” Steve shrugged, but looked Danny in the eye for the first time since Danny had confessed his feelings. The heat in his gaze nearly bowled Danny over. “Since that first day in the garage.”

“I’m not going to lose you,” Danny said and nearly stamped his foot in frustration.

“Danny, you’ve already made your choice. And I understand. I’d do the same thing in your shoes. I hate that it turned out this way, but there’s nothing we can do about it. You’re just not that guy.” Steve stepped over to the closet and pulled on a shirt.

“I hate this. I just hate this.” Danny flopped back on the bed and ground the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I always seem to want what I can’t have.” He dropped his hands to his chest and looked up at Steve and his expression took Danny’s breath, it truly felt like something was sitting on his diaphragm.

“Tell me about it,” Steve said with a humorless smile.

“Hey,” Danny’s eyes flicked to the clock. “What about your appointment with Linley?”

“”He told me not to come back until I was willing to talk.” Steve shrugged.

“You haven’t opened your mouth, like at all, have you?” Danny shook his head.

“What’s there to say?” Steve sat down on Matty’s old bed to put on his socks and boots.

“Steve, being in that place? Fucked you up. Emotionally. Physically. And psychologically. You can do all the exercise and repressing you want, but you need therapy. You need someone to help you sort out the shit that went down in your brain while you were caged up like an animal for six months without daylight!” Danny was shouting, spit flying from his mouth.

Steve just stared.

“Sorry.” Danny sank down onto the end of his old bed; the springs creaked under his weight. He could hear his mother slamming cupboards in the kitchen downstairs.

Steve remained silent and Danny wished he could pry open the man’s head and see what the hell is going on in there.

“Please,” Danny said. “Try talking to Linley. Just once. What do you have to lose?”

Steve laughed, but it was a harsh croak. “Everything, Danny. I could lose everything.”

“What are you talking about?”

Steve shook his head and Danny wanted to shake him and shake him hard.

“You’re about to lose everything anyway.” Danny got on his feet and started pacing in the small space, slapping his open palm with the back of his other hand as he enumerated. “Your job, your friends, your military career. They’re all going to go down the drain if you don’t get your shit together. You realize that, right?”

“And you,” Steve whispered, without looking up at Danny. And that he couldn’t even look at him was starting to drive Danny round the twist.

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re staying here. I’m going back to Hawaii at some point.” Steve stood and cleared his throat. “Your father is going to drive me to the YMCA so I can swim. I’ll see you later.”

Danny didn’t try to stop him. He let him go, because Steve was right. Danny had to stay here with Rachel and Grace and the rest of his family and Steve had to go back to Hawaii alone. Danny just preferred to think of him going back to a job and friends and not just to an empty house haunted by too many ghosts.

Danny’s mom appeared in the doorway and said, “So you told him.”

“How do you know?” Danny sat up.

“His face is easy to read. Come on. I need help shopping and cooking. Your sisters are coming over around five.” Danny’s mom went downstairs and he got up and followed her. He’d totally forgotten that the big family dinner was tonight. Rachel was going to be there. What a mess.

It was weird to miss Steve before he’d even left to go back to Hawaii, but Steve was right. Danny’d already made his choice when he’d gotten Rachel pregnant. If the kid was really his.

**

Maggie arrived first, dressed like she was going out for the evening—little black dress and loads of eye makeup, not at all like she normally would dress for a family dinner. Danny rolled his eyes, but knew it was a good thing because it meant his mother hadn’t told his sisters about him and Steve. He didn’t want them teasing him in front of Rachel, or to be honest, in front of Steve.

Steve was busy setting the table since he knew where everything was at this point as well as Danny did. Danny was checking the vegetables roasting in the oven. The turkey was already resting on the counter covered in foil.

“Danny! Com’ere you!” She swept him into a heavily perfumed hug.

“You look great,” Danny said. “It’s been way too long, kid.”

“You look like crap, old man.” She grinned at him. “So I want meet your friend. Come on and introduce me already.”

“Go easy, Mags. He’s had a rough time.” Danny said it quietly and she nodded, but her smile was too wide. Steve was in trouble, which also meant Danny was in trouble. At least Maggie was his only single sister. Not that that would stop the others from flirting.

“Hey, Steve?” Danny poked his head into the dining room where Steve was setting down the last of the silverware. “My baby sister wants to meet you.”

Steve stepped into the kitchen and Maggie stood up straighter and instead of latching onto Steve she kind of went blank. Danny hadn’t seen that one coming, but it felt like a reprieve.

“Steven, this is my little sister, Maggie.” Danny nudged her when Steve held out his hand and she just stood there. Steve was shaking hands again, that was a good sign.

Maggie slipped her hand into Steve’s and said, “Oh. Hi.”

She shook his hand a little too long. Steve laughed and Danny shook his head.

“It runs in the family?” Steve said to Danny. Danny rolled his eyes. Kono just hadn’t been what he’d expected is all, and her bikini had been very tiny, and her right hook—impressive. Sue him.

“You can let go,” Danny stage whispered at his sister.

She laughed a little, though it sounded kind of hysterical and dropped Steve’s hand. Steve nodded and went back to setting the table.

Maggie pulled Danny back into the kitchen and hissed at him, “Mom said he was good looking, not drop dead gorgeous. Warn a girl!”

“What? You think he’s good looking?” Danny said loudly enough for Steve to hear. He probably should have warned Steve about his sisters, although that was kind of like warning for tornadoes in Kansas. And Steve was probably used to being gawked at by now.

“Shhhhhhh.” Maggie flapped her hands and turned crimson. This was bad in the same way that middle school was bad. Danny clung to the hope that all three of his sisters would too tongue tied to do more than gawp at Steve. He knew better. Annie had never been tongue tied in her life.

He heard the front door open and the clatter of sneakers and he turned and swept Grace up in to his arms. “Hey, Monkey. How was school?”

“OK, but I miss Hawaii. We didn't have to do long division in Hawaii.”

“Yeah, but you were only in third grade in Hawaii. You’re a big fourth grader now. You’ll be doing calculus next.” Danny set her down on the kitchen floor.

“What’s calculus?” Grace wrinkled her nose.

“It’s the study of change,” Steve said appearing in the kitchen. Grace ran to him and threw her arms around his waist.

“Hi Uncle Steve. We already studied change when we did a unit on money.” Grace leaned back from Steve and looked up at him. “Why is that funny?”

Steve shook his head, but he was grinning and Danny’s heart flopped over in his chest. Of course Rachel chose that moment to come into the kitchen. Her smile crumbled when she saw the look Danny was giving Steve. She had one hand protectively over her belly.

The door opened and Danny’s sister Annie called out a loud hello. Grace jumped out of Steve’s arms and ran to see her cousins, Amanda and Laura.

“I’d really appreciate if you two would stop rubbing my face in it,” Rachel said with deadly calm. She turned and marched back out into the hall, as much as she could march while seven months pregnant.

Danny grimaced. “My fault.”

“Maybe I should go back home?” Steve said. He had that shuttered look again.

“No,” Danny said quietly. “Not yet. You’re not ready to go back and you need to keep seeing Linley. And don’t think I don’t still have questions about your fight club or whoever the hell did that to your face.”

Steve rolled his eyes, but whatever he’d been about to say was lost as Annie came into the kitchen and hurried Danny into a hug.

“So, you’re Steve?” She grabbed his face and kissed him. Not quite on the mouth, but too close for Danny’s comfort. “I’m Annie and you’re adorable.”

“Hey, that’s my boss!”

“So,” Annie winked. “He’s not my boss.”

Danny’s mother came downstairs from fixing her hair and exchanged kisses with Maggie and Annie. “Dinner is almost ready. I hope your sister gets here soon.”

“You know her. Always twenty minutes late. Why didn’t you tell her to show up a half an hour ago?” Annie started bustling around the kitchen, cleaning as she went. She, at least, was dressed sensibly, in jeans and a nice blouse.

“I did,” Beverly shook her head and checked the vegetables in the oven.

“I put three trivets on the table, Beverly. Is that enough?” Steve asked and everyone turned to look at him.

Beverly counted on her fingers and said, “I think so. Thank you, Steve. And thank you for putting the extra leaves in the table earlier.”

“Am I late?” The door slammed and Patty came hurrying down the hall, heels clicking, carrying a big bouquet of flowers, which she handed to her mother.

“Nope, right on time,” Beverly said and hugged her. “Oh, beautiful flowers. Thank you.”

“Jeez, what the hell happened to your face?” Patty asked Steve as if they’d already been introduced and were old friends and it sent a chill down Danny’s spine because if any one of his sister’s might be tempting to Steve—it would be Patty. She was the prettiest and also separated from her husband at the moment. Her long blonde hair was pulled into a neat ponytail and he’d told Steve about her. She was a fire fighter, one of the few women in the Newark area. She was kind of like a slightly taller female version of Danny without the anger management issues.

“This is my sister, Patty, by the way.” Danny said to Steve.

“Steve, are you all right?” Beverly said and Danny noticed the look on Steve’s face. He was twitching his fingers tips rapidly against each other. “OK, everyone out of my kitchen. You too, Danny.” She waved her hands and swept them all out. He saw her reaching for a bottle of scotch, but figured she knew more than he did in this case. Though his gut said alcohol wasn’t the way to go with Steve right now.

Danny and his sisters crowded into the living room where his father was watching golf and his three grand daughters were sitting on the floor whispering to each other and giggling.

“Hey, Dad.” Annie went and sat on the arm of her father’s chair. He looked up at her and smiled.

“I didn’t hear you come in! Hey!” He got up and hugged all his daughters, who were laughing at him for getting a bit deaf.

“Sorry, Danny.” Patty squeezed Danny’s arm. Her eyes were the same blue as Danny’s. “Mom said things with Steve were touch and go, but I didn’t think hugging him would hurt.”

“He’s really that fragile?” Rachel said and it was clear she thought it was all a ruse.

“He spent six months in solitary confinement,” Danny snapped.

“Yes, but he’s a Navy SEAL. Isn’t he trained to withstand much worse?” Rachel wasn’t going to let it go.

“He’s human, Rachel—”

“Whoa, not in front of the bambinas, huh?” Annie gave them both a reproving look. The girls were watching the back and forth conversation with keen interest.

Danny stormed outside and wondered why he couldn’t keep a civil tone with Rachel. He paced the driveway. Of course, he knew. He resented her. She was keeping him from being with Steve. Well, no. Danny had to take some responsibility there. He was the one who’d gotten Rachel pregnant while she was still married to Stan. It was his own damn fault and that stung even more. The cold air should have been bracing, but it just made him miss Hawaii even more.

“I’m sorry, Danny.” Rachel had put on her coat and come outside. “I’m just so…” She threw up her hands.

“I know. I’m sorry too. This isn’t how I wanted things to go.” It really wasn’t.

“I think we made a terrible mistake.” Rachel was totally calm and that threw Danny.

“No,” he shook his head. “I would never call a baby a mistake.”

“You know, you can go back to Hawaii with him. I can do this without you.” Rachel turned and went back into the house.

Danny swore and wanted to punch something. He wanted to go into the house and get Steve and take him to some seedy motel and fuck him stupid. He wanted to forget everything that was messed up and wrong. He wanted a drink. Mostly he wanted to do what Rachel had said he could do, but he knew he would not be able to live with himself if he abandoned his family and he couldn’t leave Grace behind. For the next 8 years or so she always had to be his first choice. He had to be where she was. Maybe then if Steve still wanted him… No. By then he would have moved on. It’d be too late.

“Danny!” His mother called him into the house. “Dinner.”

Danny took another moment to compose himself and then went back in to face the chaos. He found everyone seated at the table and wine was being passed around. Steve looked OK, still a little shut down. His sisters were being quiet and polite. Rachel was clutching a half a glass of wine and Danny’s mother was glaring at her. Danny sat down between Rachel and Maggie. Maggie poured him a big glass of red wine.

They called the girls in from the living room and Grace sat next to Danny’s mother who was trying to give her enough food for days.

“Here’s mud in your eye,” Maggie said. She kept refilling his wine glass and her own. By the end of dinner Danny was pretty well sloshed. His body felt soft, as if it had melded with the chair he was sitting on.

“Grandma, may we be excused?” Grace asked even though her plate was still half full.

“Sure, if you clear your plates and put them in the dishwasher,” Beverly said. They hurried off with their plates and soon the sound of Hannah Montana was wafting down the hall.

Patty said to Rachel, “Have you thought of a name for the baby, yet.”

“Well, it’s a boy. Danny will probably insist on calling him Steven.” Rachel said and glared at Steve.

“That’s sweet,” Annie said and patted Steve on the shoulder. Steve looked perturbed.

“It’s a boy?” Danny said. “I thought we were gonna wait to find out.”

“Well, Daniel. I saw it on the monitor. I couldn’t very well unsee it. And I was alone, of course.”

“Look, I know you’re having problems, but my dinner table is not the place to work them out. Now get a hold of yourselves.” Beverly poured herself a cup of coffee and then came around and poured one for Danny. “Drink that. You had too much wine with dinner.”

“Is it his?” Steve said quietly, speaking for the first time since they’d sat down.

No one seemed to know quite what he meant.

“Rachel, are you sure the baby is Danny’s?”

You could have heard a pin drop, bounce, and then clatter around on the floor. Everyone turned to Rachel and two bright red spots burned high on her cheeks. She pressed her hands to her face.

“How dare you?” she spat.

“Steve.” Danny shook his head. He was shocked that Steve would blurt that out. Not that he wasn’t used to Steve being unpredictable and ornery.

“But the question remains. Is the baby your, Danny? I know you’ve been trying not to ask. And the truth is—I don’t know.”

Danny shook his head. “Rach, if the baby is Stan’s then he has a right to know. You’ve got to find out. I need to know.”

“Mom, I’m getting the Sambuca.” Maggie went to the cupboard and got cordial glasses and a large bottle of clear liquor.

“Just don’t give Danny any,” she said. “Or Steve.”

“You’ve got a pair on you,” Patty said approvingly to Steve as she raised her glass and shot back half of its contents. She passed a glass to Steve who sniffed it and set it down, when Bev glared at him.

“That’s why Danny’s in love with him,” Rachel said.

Danny’s sisters looked from Rachel to Danny to their mother, who nodded to confirm it was true.

“I thought that was just a phase you went through in college,” Patty said, twirling her ponytail around her fingers.

“But how does he feel about you?” Maggie said, her words slurring slightly.

“I’m in love with him too,” Steve said.

Annie sighed deeply. Patty nodded and said, “Wow, that really sucks. I mean I’m happy for you and all, but wow. What a fucking mess.”

The only one who hadn’t said anything was Danny’s father. He sipped his Sambuca and frowned at the tablecloth.

“What’s the matter dad?” Danny said.

“I thought I was finally having a grandson,” he said sadly.

Rachel burst into tears and left the room. No one seemed particularly inclined to go after her, but Danny did it anyway. He gave Steve a look that said he’d have words with him later. Danny was afraid to hope that he had any other possible future than the one he’d resigned himself too. But honestly—he was glad Steve had opened this can of worms. The truth might be ugly, but Danny thought it was far better to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos make my day, but concrit is always welcome.


	5. Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything seems to be going wrong for Danny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very great thanks to Sirona and Sunhawk for beta reading and making me put all the commas in the right places. Goodness, I hate commas. Any mistakes left are entirely mine.

Rachel decided to take Grace home early from the family dinner, claiming she had a headache.

Danny pulled her aside in the front hall, practically into his parents’ coat closet and said, “Look, I don’t blame you for trying to cut and run, but stay. You don’t have to go. Everyone loves you.”

She just shook her head and looked weary. There were deep circles under her eyes. So Danny, twigged by guilt, added, “Do you want me to come with you?”

“Danny, just stay here. I need my own space right now.” She’d walked out with her head held high after saying a cursory good night to all of Danny’s family. She ignored Steve completely. Sadly, Danny did not have the same luxury.

His sisters were cleaning up from dinner so Danny took the opportunity to have a moment alone with Steve. He pulled him outside into the back yard where they sat with their breath billowing white in the cold. The old weather-beaten picnic bench creaked in the dark as Danny shifted his weight, unsure of how, or even where to start. The warm light from the kitchen windows threw Steve’s features into deep shadow. He looked completely unrepentant and that galled Danny.

“What the hell were you thinking? What gave you the right to ask Rachel a question like that in front of my entire family? Why would you do that? Why would you embarrass her like that? Why would you embarrass me like that? For someone in Naval Intelligence you can be so stupid.”

Steve shook his head and stared at his hands in his lap. He opened his mouth to speak and then shut it.

“Answer me, Steven. Those were not rhetorical questions. Why would you do that? I thought we were friends. I thought you cared about me. But was that the action of someone who cares? No, that was a dick move.”

“Was it?” Steve leaned over Danny, getting in his personal space. “You were never going to ask and I couldn’t just watch you throw your life away.”

“Throw my life away?” Danny repeated with scorn. “Who are you to decide? How is having a family throwing my life away? Who the hell do you think you are?”

Steve breathed out heavily through his nostrils with his eyes closed.

“Answer me,” Danny said. “Where do you get off pulling shit like that?”

Steve paled and started tapping his fingertips against each other.

“Shit,” Danny got up and started pacing. He felt like he should apologize to Steve, but he was still too angry to actually say he was sorry. He turned his back on Steve to head back inside and said, “I’m going to bed.”

Before he went in he turned back so that Steve wouldn’t sit outside all night alone in the cold and added, “Are you coming, or what?”

There was the soft sound of leaves being kicked aside and he heard Steve behind him all the way up the back stairs, but Danny didn’t turn to look.

He said goodnight to all his sisters, who each hugged him in turn. Annie moved to hug Steve. He flinched away from her, but immediately looked ashamed.

“Oops. Sorry,” she said. She was still pretty tipsy.

Danny shook his head, but he wasn’t sure what he meant by that gesture. Just a general, “No.” No to the whole day. No to Steve’s behavior. No to the situation he was stuck in.

There was no point in standing there awkwardly so he went upstairs, followed by Steve, who trailed behind him like a ghost. Danny said nothing to him, took off everything except his boxers, climbed into bed and crashed hard. Danny tended to be a stress sleeper, so falling asleep was never a problem for him.

When he woke up the next morning, Steve’s bed was neatly made and empty. Danny pulled on some clothes and stumbled downstairs for coffee. His mother looked at him over the rim of her reading glasses.

“You like you just ate a shit sandwich,” she said.

Danny snorted and poured himself some coffee. It was OK coffee, but it was no Kona. Kono. He should really call Kono and check in with her about things. They hadn’t spoken in a couple of days. He’d been too busy worrying about Steve and about Rachel. Danny wasn’t sure what the hell to do about Rachel.

“Steve apologized to your father and I this morning and do you know what your father did? He patted him on the back and thanked him for sticking up for you.” Danny’s mother shook her head in disbelief.

“I think that’s what Steve thought he was doing, but I mean, really? Really? There’s a time and a place.” Danny shook his head before taking another sip of coffee.

“That’s exactly what I said,” Danny’s mother nodded. “But I think he’s kind of clueless about family and boundaries. Poor kid. He loves you a lot.”

“I know, but—”

“If the baby isn’t yours, what are you going to do?”

“Jeez, Mom. Don’t beat around the bush.” Danny sat down heavily in one of the scarred brown chairs at the kitchen table. “I don’t know.”

“You want some oatmeal?” she said.

Danny nodded. Oatmeal would be nice and soothing. What was done was done. He’d forgive Steve eventually. Now he just had to deal with Rachel. Oatmeal and a shower first. Call Kono. Call Rachel. One thing at a time.

Danny ate his oatmeal with raisins and cinnamon, then took the longest possible shower, and was cold and shivery when he stepped out onto the old blue bathmat. He dried off and got dressed completely on autopilot. He’d have liked to go back in time and punch himself in the throat for making such stupid choices.

He was a little relieved when he called Kono that her voicemail picked up. Then he realized that it was nearly four in the morning in Oahu. He was just not thinking straight, but he absolutely had to talk to Rachel and Grace was already at school. He dialed her number.

Her voicemail picked up right away and Danny assumed that meant she had declined his call. Great.

“Rachel, I’m so sorry things played out like they did yesterday. We have to talk. Please call me back, or stop by my parents’ place. Please.”

*

It took Rachel until after three p.m. to get back to Danny. She came by with Grace and stood in the hall looking uncertain of her reception. Danny was the only one at home though, and as much as he hated to do it he parked Grace in front of the TV and took Rachel into the kitchen to talk.

“Tea?” He said, trying hard not to sound sarcastic in one word.

“No, thank you.” She sat down at the table, but did not take her purse off her shoulder.

“So, what do we do?” Danny leaned back against the counter with his hands in his pockets.

“I’ve made an appointment for tomorrow with my doctor to arrange for a paternity test. Results will take two days. But I can’t really see a future for us either way, Danny. Can you?”

Danny’s stomach bounced and his throat grew hot and tight. What could he say? Only if the baby is mine? It was the truth, but it wouldn’t sound so good.

He took a deep breath. “Look, whatever happens, we have to take care of Grace and make choices that are good for her, too.”

“I don’t think we’ve been very good at that lately. We’ve both made some rather poor choices and not really taken her into consideration. She’s very confused. I think she should see someone to help her sort this out.”

Danny nodded. The affair had been a stupid mistake, but he didn’t dare say it aloud. He agreed that whatever Grace needed, whatever would make this easier on her, she should have. Though she wouldn’t be seeing anyone like that nutbar Linley. Danny wondered if that was where Steve had gone this morning and when he was coming back.

“OK. One thing at a time. What time is your appointment?” Danny looked around for a pen to jot down the time and address.

“No, I don’t want you to come with me.” Rachel wasn’t merely lashing out. She meant it. “I need to get used to doing things on my own.”

“But—“

“No, Daniel. This is not up for discussion. I know that if the baby isn’t yours you’ll disappear back to Hawaii with Steve. If it is yours, then I know you’ll stay here and be miserable, and there is no way I am going to be responsible for that. Go back to Hawaii.”

“But if you and Grace and the baby are here…”

“Well, let’s find out if you’re the father or not, and then we’ll talk. But I don’t want be with you anymore. We’re not good for each other and I want more than that for myself and for my children.”

Rachel was pale, but steady. She’d clearly given this a lot of thought. Danny knew better than to argue with a very pregnant woman who also happened to be very nearly the most stubborn person he’d ever met, so he nodded.

“I want to go home and take a nap. Can you keep Grace for dinner and make sure she does her homework?”

“Of course. I’m always willing to spend time with Grace.”

Rachel nodded gratefully and went to say goodbye to Grace. She left quietly and Danny sat on the old blue couch and watched the end of Sponge Bob with Grace. As the credits rolled, he turned off the TV.

“What sort of homework do you have, Monkey?”

“I have to read a chapter and I have a math worksheet.” Grace took a chapter book out of her backpack and a folder with papers tucked neatly into it.

“Come on. I have some homework to do, too. We can work at the kitchen table just like I did when I was your age.”

Grace filled out her worksheet and Danny set his laptop up, but instead of checking his work email—he watched Grace bent over her homework. She looked so much like Rachel, right down to the small pucker between her brows when she was concentrating. Danny checked over her math with the calculator on his phone.

“Don’t you check your work?” He tapped the one wrong answer.

“I did. I just didn’t realize that I’d done that one wrong, Danno. Mommy says when you make mistakes—that’s how you learn.”

Yeah, if you’re lucky, Danny thought. He hadn’t really let himself feel the weight of Rachel’s rejection. He really had thought he was going to have to break up with her, and he’d found himself wishing that the baby was Stan’s so he’d have a good excuse. He was surprised that her rejection hurt quite a lot.

Grace sighed, but erased her answer and redid the problem and then looked up at him expectantly. He nodded.

“Good. Long division is boring.” She tucked the sheet away in her binder and picked up her book.

“I thought you liked math,” Danny said.

“I do. Just not long division.” Grace shrugged and was soon absorbed in her book.

Danny logged into his email account and flinched. He had almost a thousand new messages. He knew a lot of those were probably memos and HPD bulletins that weren’t important, but that was a lot to wade through. He shifted in his chair and glanced up at Grace who was reading, propped on one hand, just like Annie. Annie was the big reader in the family and Danny knew she hoped Grace was going to be like that too. It seemed likely from the way she devoured books and stories. Whatever happens, I’m still Grace’s father. I still have her, Danny reminded himself and his chest felt heavy as if someone were standing on it.

“I’m finished.” Grace stretched. “I think I want to read the next chapter too, to see what happens next.”

“Wait a minute. Can we talk?” Danny waited for Grace to nod. “I just want you to know that you can talk to me. I know there’ve been a lot of changes lately. How are you feeling about all of it?”

“May I have a glass of chocolate milk, please?”

Danny nodded and let her get one. She sat back down and dropped a straw in her glass. She kicked her feet against the rungs on the chair. They didn’t quite reach the ground yet, but Danny knew it was going to happen, and soon.

“Well,” she said and took a sip of her milk. “I like being here because I get to see Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt Maggie and everybody, but I miss Hawaii too. I miss Kono and Chin and the beach. I miss learning to surf and I miss my friends. I liked my room and my school better there.”

“Would you like to move back to Hawaii, or would you rather stay here?”

Grace sighed and fiddled with her straw. “I don’t know. That’s a hard question to answer. I kind of want to both.”

Danny nodded. He missed his family and he missed New Jersey when he was in Hawaii, but being home was surprisingly unfulfilling. He hadn’t remembered how cold and gray it was all winter. He missed the easiness in his muscles from the constant humidity and heat. He missed the color and the sunshine. And he’d never admit it – but he missed the beach, specifically the beach behind Steve’s house. Most of all he missed Steve, the old Steve, and he knew that that Steve was gone for good.

“I know what you mean, but we’re going to have to pick one place and stick to it.”

“We’re not staying here?” Grace’s eyes grew round.

Crap. Danny scrubbed his hand over his face. “Yeah, I don’t know. Probably. Your mom and I are trying to figure that out.”

“But her job is here in New York and your job is in Hawaii.” Grace didn’t look upset; she just seemed a little circumspect. Considering.

“True. But you are the most important thing in my world and I can change jobs if I need to.” Danny figured he’d better not say anymore. He and Rachel had agreed not to say anything to Grace about the paternity test unless Stan was the baby’s father.

The next two days were going to be horrible.

“Can I read now?” Grace picked up her book.

“Sure, Monkey. But if you’re worried or you have questions you can ask me. Talk to me, OK?”

“OK.”

Danny didn’t feel any better for having tried to talk to her, but at least he’d tried.

He took a deep breath and dove into his email. He wasn’t sure whether to start with the oldest messages, or the newer ones, so he just opened the one at the top and clicked next as he read through them. Most of them were emails he was cc’d on and not things he needed to answer.

 _Danny,_

 _How is Steve doing? How are you? Your message didn’t say. Let us know. We’re worried._

 _-Kono_

 _Danny hit reply and really didn’t know what to say for several minutes._

 _Kono,_

 _Sorry. Things are complicated. I really don’t know that the doctor Steve is seeing is anything more than a glorified nutbag himself. I think Steve is getting better slowly, but he still has relapses, I guess you’d call them. He’s looking healthier thanks to my mom’s food and his workouts. We still have three more weeks to get him functional. I honestly don’t know whether it’ll happen or not. The only person I can ask is Steve and I am pretty sure he doesn’t have a clue. I’ll try to do a better job of keeping you updated though._

 _I’m a mess. The baby might not be mine. Rachel is having a paternity test done today. We won’t know for two days._

 _So things are great here._

 _How are you guys doing?_

 _-Danny_

His finger hovered over the discard message button and then he figured what the hell and hit send. She wanted to know. Now she would.

Danny’s mother came in carrying green and red reusable grocery bags and asked him to help her get the rest of them out of the car.

The rest of the evening passed in a noisy blur. Danny’s mom let Grace help her cook dinner. Steve came in part way through; Grace ran to hug him and he stood very still, but didn’t freak out or retreat into himself. He even patted her on the back; his large hand covered both her shoulder blades.

Beverly had made mac and cheese from scratch because it was Grace’s favorite, and a big salad full of things Steve liked, but Danny was too preoccupied to do more than pick at his food.

Danny drove Grace home after dinner and Steve surprised him by coming along for the ride. Once Grace was safely inside, Danny turned the car around and headed back towards his parents’ house.

The silence was thick between them and Danny reached to turn on the radio, but Steve cleared his throat.

Danny waited, but Steve didn’t say anything.

Danny switched on the radio and pulled onto the highway, which was relatively clear of traffic. He really wasn’t sure what to say to Steve, but out of nowhere a flash of tan and white streaked across the beam of his headlights—a deer, a big buck with antlers. Danny swore and swerved hard to the right. His dad’s old Ford careened into the next lane and narrowly missed clipping a minivan. Danny’s stomach had dropped down practically to his feet.

He pulled the car over onto the shoulder and it took him a moment to release the death grip he had on the steering wheel. He hazarded a glace at Steve, who was pale and breathing hard.

“Sorry. This car doesn’t have the same response as the Camaro.” Danny’s stomach gurgled. “Know what we need?”

Steve shook his head, looking slightly incredulous.

“Pizza. Best Pizza in the tri-state area.” Danny started the car back up and headed south toward 1-95. It was about an hour drive to Point Pleasant, but so worth it.

Steve didn’t say anything, but Danny could sense his doubt.

“This isn’t some corner joint where you get a rubbery slice, Steven. This is heaven. The guy imports everything from Italy. The flour, the tomatoes, the cheese, and his oven. He has this beautiful oven. The only other place you can get pizza like this is Napoli, and that’s too far to drive.”

“You never told me your family was Italian,” Steve said.

“Isn’t obvious? Why do you think I talk with my hands?”

“I like your mom,” Steve said.

“She likes you too, most of the time.”

“She’s mad about what I said to Rachel.” Steve nodded. At least he was almost acknowledging that he’d fucked up.

“Rachel is having a paternity test done. Results will take two days.”

“Good,” Steve said and turned on the radio, but he was very nearly smiling. Danny decided not to tell Steve that Rachel had broken up with him yet. It was too complicated and he wasn’t ready for a discussion about what happened next. He needed to think. And he needed to know if the baby was his or not, no matter that Rachel had told him to go back to Hawaii. Danny wasn’t sure that he could be with this Steve the way he’d wanted to be with the old Steve. What a fucking mess.

They got to Una Pizza Napoletana just in time. They closed each night when they were out of dough. They had just enough to make one of each of the five pizzas they served and Danny ordered them all and two bottles of Moretti.

The waitress carried over all their pizzas with help from the owner, who was heavily tattooed.

“I can’t believe you just spent $100 on pizza.” Steve stared down at the five pizzas.

“Try some and then I dare you to say that.” Danny offered him a slice of the pizza with fresh cherry tomatoes, buffalo mozzarella, basil, olive oil, and flakes of sea salt.

Steve took it and bit into it and chewed. His eyes grew round and then drooped closed. He made an obscene sound.

“You know they fed us pizza in jail all the time, but it was terrible. This is so good. I can see why you don’t want pineapple on your pizza if you’re used to this.”

“See. I told you. Wait until you try the Bianca.” Danny jabbed a finger at a white pizza. Steve had actually volunteered something about his time in prison. Behold the healing power of food!

They couldn’t quite polish off all the pizzas, but Danny said his mother would be happy to see the leftovers. They were quiet and sleepy on the ride home, their bellies full of cheese and tomatoes and that amazing crisp, chewy, light crust. Being home wasn’t so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos make my day, but concrit is always welcome.
> 
> NB: Una Pizza Neopoletana is a real pizza place. It was originally in Point Pleasant, NJ, then for a short time was on 12th Street in Greenwich Village, and is currently located in San Francisco. It is amazing!


	6. Twisted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Danny goes a bit nuts waiting to hear if the baby is his or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm every shade of grateful to stellarmeadow, sunhawk, and sirona for betaing this chapter. ♥

Danny was alone in the house and sat on the end of his bed remembering how long two minutes had seemed while waiting for pee on a stick to decide the rest of his life, so waiting two whole days to find out about the baby felt impossible. He couldn’t sit still, couldn’t settle down and do anything. He went down to the kitchen, didn’t know why he was there, went into the living room and turned on the TV, but couldn’t find anything to watch. A beer didn’t help; neither did two, nor five. He still had the same jittery feeling underneath the numbness the alcohol imbued, because he’d grown attached to the baby. He even had a pet name for him: Bunny, because he hopped around so much. Grace had drawn pictures of monkeys and bunnies holding hands, which was another complication he wasn’t ready to deal with.

Heartbreak aside, Danny knew his life was going to be easier if the baby wasn’t his. Rachel would probably move back to Hawaii if the baby were Stan’s and then Danny could have Grace and Steve in the same place. If he even still wanted to be with Steve…

That was the thought that drove him to the bottle of scotch. Danny’s mom found him slumped on the beige carpeted stairs when she got home from work.

“Daniel Michael Patrick Williams. What on earth?” She prodded him in the arm.

“M’fine.” Danny knew he’d been drooling a bit and the damp carpet made his face itch.

“Would you please put him in bed, or the shower if he’s going to be sick?” His mother was talking to someone.

“OK.” Steve pulled Danny to his feet and hefted him up the stairs. Everything was blurry except the ache in Danny’s heart.

When they were hobbling past the bathroom door, Steve asked, “Do you feel sick?”

“I can hold my liquor, thank you.” Danny drew himself up to his full height, swatted Steve’s hands off his person, and walked right into the wall. Steve caught him before he could crumple to the floor of the upstairs hallway.

“Sure you can.” Steve steered Danny to his bedroom and dropped him down on the bed closest to the door. The late afternoon sun streamed in through the open blinds, lighting up dust motes, and the planes of Steve’s beautiful face with pink tinged warmth. Danny was glad to see that Steve’s cheekbones were still sharp, but not as hollow as they’d been a few weeks ago.

Danny tried to get his tongue around a question, but it came out as word slop.

“What?” Steve knelt down so that he was almost level with Danny’s face.

“D’you even love me?” Danny knew that he shouldn’t be asking, shouldn’t pressure Steve, but he couldn’t stop himself.

“Danny,” Steve said and shook his head.

“Cause I feel like a salmon.” Danny closed his eyes. That hadn’t been exactly what he meant, but his thoughts were a bit of a mess, slow and then very quick and slippery.

“That makes no sense. Let’s talk about this when you’re sober.” Steve went to stand up, but Danny clutched at his arm. He hadn’t touched Steve in weeks and the feel of his forearm, the warmth of his skin sent Danny’s pulse racing. He wanted to pull Steve down into the bed with him, on top of him and lose himself in that mouth.

“No. Can’t take anymore uncertainty.” Danny was slurring, but he didn’t care. He needed something to hang onto.

“Yes. Now go to sleep.”

“Really?” Danny’s eyes were so heavy. He closed them for a moment, but when he opened them again he was alone in the room and it was dark outside. The clock on the bedside table read 8:17 in blurry red numbers. To say that Danny’s head ached was an understatement. It was like his brain had been shoved into a skull three sizes too small and lit on fire.

He stumbled to the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face in the dark and then slurped some from his cupped hands, but ended up dripping water all over his shirt. He rooted around in the medicine cabinet for the bottle of Advil and took three of them with another sloppy handful of water.

He could dimly make out his reflection in the mirror thanks to the streetlight outside the bathroom window. His hair was a wild halo, but he used his wet hands to slick it back. He took a deep breath and went downstairs to face his mother and Steve, but mostly his mother. The stairs creaked beneath his feet, which made him feel like a kid. Both Steve and his mother were in the kitchen. Steve was loading the dishwasher, while his mother was sitting at the table with a mug of tea.

“You look like crap,” his mother said. “Do you need some Alka-Seltzer?”

Danny nodded and sat down at the table, hoping his mother would take pity on him.

She leveled him with a glare and said, “What’s the matter. Your legs broken?”

Steve snickered, but tried to turn it into a cough. Danny sighed, but got up and dropped two tablets into a glass of water and sat back down at the table with it. He sighed again.

“Well, someone’s having a big old pity party,” his mother said.

He knew putting this confrontation off wouldn’t make it any easier, so he just waved at his mother to get on with it and let him have it.

“What? You think I have a problem with finding my thirty-five year old son dead drunk on the stairs at four in the afternoon? Why would that bother me, pray tell?” Her voice was all forced calm.

“Mom, I—“

“I mean. I thought I raised him better than that, but what do I know? Obviously I know nothing. Scratch that. I know less than nothing. Because I thought my son was smarter than that. At least the one son I have left.”

Danny winced. She was taking it even worse that he’d expected, if she was bring up Matty.

“Mom, I’m sorry. Stop yelling at me.” Danny held his throbbing head in his hands.

“This is not yelling,” she said. “This is yelling!”

Danny’s head was fit to bust and his stomach was none too steady. He sipped from the fizzing glass now that the tablets were dissolved.

“Now, I understand where you get it from.” Steve sat down at the table between them.

“You. Behave.” Danny’s mom warned Steve. “You’ve caused enough trouble.”

Steve sucked in his lower lip for a moment, which he did when he felt guilty. Danny was fluent in Steve. And then it hit him. Steve loved him. Steve had said, “Yes.” Danny’s face grew hot and he tried to cover it up by taking a big swig out of his glass, which resulted in Alka-Seltzer trying to invade his lungs and sinuses. At least all the coughing hid the blushing nicely.

“You OK there?” Steve said after pounding Danny on the back.

Danny’s mother passed him a napkin to mop up his face with, which he knew meant she’d forgiven him a little bit.

“Thanks,” he said.

“Do it again and _ti spacco la facce_.”

Steve glanced from Danny’s mom to Danny in confusion.

“If she finds me drunk like that again she’s going to break my face.” Danny shrugged.

“I know things have been a little crazy,” she said. “But you have to find healthier ways of letting off steam, Danny.”

“A little crazy?” Danny sat back in his chair. “Mom, I just found out that this baby I’m already crazy about might not be mine. I’m in love with a guy who is emotionally AWOL. And Rachel dumped me. I’m not sure where I’ll be living except that it has to be near Grace. Oh, and I don’t even know if I’m going to have a job in two weeks.” He shot a glance at Steve. “Did I leave anything out?”

Steve just shook his head.

“Jesus Christ, he reminds me of your father,” Danny’s mom said.

“What are you talking about?” Danny rubbed his bleary eyes.

“He just shakes his head like you’re asking him if he wants a cup of coffee. Figures you’d go for the strong silent type.” His mother’s bright blue eyes darted from Steve to Danny and back.

Danny quietly finished his drink without looking at either Steve or his mother. He didn’t have the energy to argue that Steve was hardly the silent type.

“There’s leftover chicken and rice, if you’re hungry. I’m going up to read for a bit before bed.” Danny’s mom patted Danny on the shoulder as she passed him.

“Night, Mom.”

“Goodnight, Beverly,” Steve said.

“Danny?” His mother dropped a kiss on his head. “Whatever happens? It’s all going to be OK.”

Danny nodded. It might be, eventually, but it sure as hell wasn’t OK right at that moment, nor could Danny imagine things being OK in the near future.

Once Beverly’s footsteps had died away upstairs, Steve said, “Your mom is pretty awesome.”

Danny almost said of course she is, but thought better of it. He’d heard a wistful note in Steve’s voice. Well, Danny could share his mom with Steve. He said, “She likes you.”

“I know. I like her too,” Steve said.

Neither of them seemed inclined to talk much after that, but Danny’s stomach felt much better so he reheated some chicken and rice and broccoli and they went into the living room to watch the rest of the Yankees game with his dad.

*

Steve nudged Danny awake even though it was still dark outside. “Why don’t you come into the city with me today?”

Danny nodded and glanced at the clock. It was half past five. “Couldn’t you have waited until after your run to wake me up?”

“Yeah, yeah. Go back to sleep. I’ll wake you up when the coffee is ready.”

Not the way he’d prefer to be woken up by Steve, but it would have to do, Danny thought, as he drifted back to sleep.

*

At seven on the dot, Steve set a steaming mug of coffee on the nightstand next to Danny and shook him out of his half-sleep.

“Thanks,” Danny sat up, carefully lifted the mug of coffee to his lips and sipped; the caffeine hit his tongue with a delightful buzz. He watched Steve move around the room, getting dressed. It wasn’t at all weird to have Steve in his space all the time. He was looking healthier every day, putting on weight and muscle. Danny liked being around him all the time, but this was just temporary, until they had to go back to Hawaii in two weeks. Then he’d probably be back in his crappy apartment.

“Come on. Get your ass in gear,” Steve said. “We have to be at the train in twenty.”

Danny took a very fast shower and threw on a pair of jeans and a sweater. He barely had time to brush his teeth before Steve rushed him down the stairs and into the car. His dad drove them to the PATH station and dropped them off with a friendly wave and a grunt. They had to run to catch the train. There were no empty seats so they stood, occasionally bumping arms when the train swayed. Danny watched swaths of Jersey fly past in a greenish-brown blur.

“So, what are you going to do while I see Linley?” Steve asked as they stepped out onto 14th Street.

“Go over to that little café where Maggie used to work. It’s on 13th.”

“I’ll meet you over there when I’m done.” Steve seemed almost normal, but Danny was afraid to trust that it had been that quick and easy a recovery for Steve. He watched Steve disappear, looking solid and not at all skittish, as he had the first day when Danny had had to walk between Steve and other people on the sidewalk.

Danny was about half way to “Joe” when his phone rang. It was Kono and he was afraid it was an emergency.

“Hello?”

“Danny!”

“Are you all right?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said.

“Why are you calling me at three in the morning?”

“Just got done with work and I’m wired so I thought I’d call you. That was a doozy of an email you dropped on us, brah.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. I figured you wanted to know what was up and I couldn’t figure out how to candy-coat it.”

“No, it’s cool. How are you doing? Are you OK?”

Danny looked around at all the grey concrete, the bright storefronts and apartment buildings crowding every inch. He was home. He should be all right. But he imagined night in Hawaii, the dark shapes of palm trees, the sound of the ocean, the balmy breeze and his heart flipped over. That was home now.

“Danny?”

“Yeah, I’m here. I’ll be OK. Once I know about the baby—I’ll be OK. Waiting just sucks.” There was the blare of ambulance rushing towards St. Vincent’s and he covered his other ear as it sped past.

“Where are you?” Kono said.

“West Village. Steve just went to see his crazy therapist.”

“How is he doing? Really.”

“Hard to say for sure, but he seems to be doing really well. He’s putting on weight and exercising every day. He’s not so jumpy. He’s lost that haunted look for the most part. He’s not doing that thing with his fingers and the counting most of the time. But I’m afraid to trust it, you know. It seems too easy, too quick. And you know he’s the master of deception.”

“So you think it’s an act?” Kono said, taking a sip of something.

“Fake it 'til you make it? Yeah, something like that. So, tell me what’s been happening at home.”

Kono launched into a long story about drug smugglers and all the work she and Chin had had to handle alone to bring them down. They’d actually been working on a tip from Wo Fat, of all people. Danny was pacing back and forth in front of the café still listening to Kono when Steve approached him, a tentative smile on his face.

“Hey, hang on,” Danny said into the phone and handed it to Steve, explaining that it was Kono.

“Hello,” Steve said.

“STEVE!” Danny could hear the ear splitting squeal from several feet away.

Steve held the phone away from his ear for a moment and then grinned. “Yeah, hey, Kono. How are you?”

Danny leaned against the window of the coffee shop and watched Steve’s expression carefully as he talked to Kono. Steve was mostly listening and offering the occasional ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ Then his face darkened and his mouth flattened into a thin, grim line and the divot between his brows deepened. Danny had a feeling he knew what Kono had said to bring on that expression.

“OK, yeah. No, it’s fine. I’ll talk to you soon. Be careful.” Steve handed the phone to Danny.

“Wo Fat?” Danny asked.

Steve nodded, but didn’t seem inclined to share his thoughts or feelings on the matter. What else was new?

“Hungry?” Danny asked.

“I could eat,” Steve patted his stomach.

“Come on. You need a pastrami sandwich.” Danny started walking towards Sixth Avenue. “We’re going to Katz’s.”

“I’ve never had a pastrami sandwich,” Steve said.

“That’s a travesty. Seriously, you’ve eaten that monstrosity of a pizza and the things you guys do to hamburgers?” Danny shook his head. To be honest, he’d grown to like a good Loco Moco, but he hoped Steve wouldn’t point that out.

“So this place we’re going is good?”

“Best pastrami sandwich in Manhattan. It was the place in ‘When Harry Met Sally’.”

Steve just looked perplexed.

“You’ve never seen ‘When Harry Met Sally’? You’re like an alien. It came out in 1989, you were what? Fourteen? It’s a classic. I am surprised no woman has ever made you watch it.”

“Women I date tend to like movies where things explode.” Steve followed Danny down the steps into the 14th Street station to grab an F train downtown.

“Why am I not surprised?” Danny shook his head. “When we get back home, we’ll watch it.”

“I don’t know if I’m up for a movie today—“

“No, home to Hawaii. We’ll have a movie marathon. What? What’s that look?”

Steve shot Danny a perplexed, almost angry look.

Danny stepped into the train that pulled up to the platform. There were plenty of empty seats at this time of day. Danny sat down, but Steve hesitated before plunking himself down next to Danny. Danny waited for Steve to get his words out.

“Well, you don’t really know if you’re coming back to Hawaii. I mean you can’t make any decisions until you know…”

“Well, I’m going to have to come back for a while. Get my stuff. But yeah.” Danny sighed. He’d spoken without thinking. He just wanted to go back, to go home, to have Steve and Grace, and possibly the new baby in the same place and to have Five-O up and running. The new baby—it was like a bruise he kept pressing to see if it hurt. And yes, it did.

“Sorry, I know you’re anxious about the test results.”

Danny nodded. It wasn’t a topic he wanted to discuss, especially not on the subway.

“So, is there anything else you want to do today, like, after lunch?” Danny looked up into Steve’s eyes and saw that Steve immediately understood the previous topic was closed.

“Yeah, there’s some place I want to take you.”

“Where?” Danny asked.

“You’ll see.” Steve smiled slightly. They got off the train at 2nd Avenue and made their way up the dirty black stairs. This part of Manhattan seemed as gritty and old as it ever had, but there were signs of gentrification here and there. Boutiques, Thai food, cool bars sat cheek by jowl with old places like Katz’s, which had been there since 1888, since the lower East Side had been all tenements and immigrants.

Danny’s grandfather had grown up over on Delancey Street, but his mom had been raised in Jersey. His grandfather hadn’t wanted his kids to grow up in the city, though Danny had always thought it would be kind of cool to live here, right in the middle of everything. He told Steve this as they walked up Houston toward Essex.

Steve listened and looked around puzzled. “You wanted to live here? It’s so dirty and loud. There’s no place to play. It’s much nicer where you grew up.”

“Whoa. Hold the phone! Did you just say something nice about New Jersey?” Danny stopped dead in the middle of the sidewalk. Thankfully there wasn’t really anyone walking right behind them.

“I’m just saying it’s a better place for a kid to grow up than this. Not as good as Hawaii though.” Steve smirked.

“Hawaii is nice, but it’s so far away from the rest of the country. You don’t get to travel around from state to state. And growing up close to New York? Well, I wouldn’t trade that for anything.”

“But you want your kids to grow up in Hawaii?” Steve asked, the divot back between his brows.

“No, I want my kid, possibly kids, to grow up around you, you dumbass.”

Steve flushed as Danny opened the door to the delicatessen and waved Steve inside.

“This is the place with the best pastrami in New York?” Steve looked around unimpressed.

“Yeah, it is.” There was a man standing behind an ancient looking Formica host stand. “You wanna order at the counter? Or you can get wait service.”

“We’ll order at the counter,” Danny said.

They got in line behind two women chattering excitedly about the places they’d visited uptown yesterday. The place was moderately crowded with a mix of tourists and locals.

“If you like matzo ball soup, theirs is pretty good. It’s got nothing on my mother’s though. I’m surprised she hasn’t made it for you yet.”

“Never had it,” Steve said.

“Steven,” Danny said and shook his head sadly. “I don’t know how you lived before this. I really don’t.”

“Danny, I didn’t grow up with a Jewish mom and I grew up in Hawaii. My mom wasn’t the best cook, actually. You’re lucky.”

Danny never knew quite what to say when the wistful note crept into Steve’s voice, as it usually did when he talked about his mother. The line moved along pretty quickly and Danny ordered two combos, which was soup and a half a pastrami sandwich. They edged along the counter and watched the guys making sandwiches. Danny caught one of they guys’ eyes and he handed Danny a juicy chunk of pastrami. Danny passed it to Steve, who took it and bit into it and then closed his eyes and chewed.

“See,” Danny said. The man handed him another piece of pastrami. Danny thanked him.

It took a little while, but they got their sandwiches and soup and found a table. Danny bit into his pickle and groaned. A good dill half sour—they just didn’t have those in Hawaii, at least not that he’d found.

They didn’t talk much while eating. The sandwiches were every bit as good as he remembered. Danny put a little mustard on his and Steve followed suit. The soup was really good, the matzo balls were light and delicate and not gummy, but his mom’s was still better. Her broth was more flavorful, for one thing. He’d ask her to make Steve some so he could compare.

He took out his phone when he was done eating and called his mother. “Hey, mom. We’re at Katz’s. Do you want me to bring you anything?”

“Awww, that’s sweet, Danny. I already have dinner planned though. I’m grilling flank steak. When will you be back from the city?”

“Probably by five or six. What time is dinner?”

“Let’s say seven, just to be safe. See you later, kiddo.”

Danny hung up and tried to decipher the look on Steve’s face.

“What?” he asked.

“Nothing. That was sweet.”

“I’m a nice guy,” Danny said and bit his tongue before he could say anything about Steve being in love with him. He wasn’t sure where they stood on talking about that subject.

“How far are we from Varick Street?” Steve asked.

“Not far, maybe a mile or so. Where are we going?”

“You want to know how I got so bruised?” Steve stepped out onto Houston and waited for Danny to point right or left. Danny jabbed his thumb left towards the west. Steve’s bruises were gone now, but Danny was still very curious about them.

“I sure as hell do, but not if I’m going to end up getting the tar beat out of me. My mother would disown me if I showed up for dinner looking like Tyler Durden.”

“Who?” Steve asked.

“Seriously. I’m going to make a list of movies you need to see. And we’ll watch them. Together.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Steve said. He’d kept his tone light, but it was still a warning.

“Steven. Just stop. OK. I will do everything in my power to stay with you, to keep you in my life. Now, show me this fight club of yours. Is there a passphrase or do I need to stretch before, or anything? Should I have packed my brass knuckles?”

“Danny, it’s not a fight club. It’s just a gym.”

Danny bumped into Steve as they walked, knocking his shoulder into Steve’s bicep. “I’ve missed you, you goof.”

“I know. Sorry,” Steve swallowed hard.

“That wasn’t a condemnation. I was just trying to appreciate your return to something resembling normal. Well, normal for you, anyway.”

Steve didn’t say anything, so Danny continued, “Linley? Is he actually helping you?”

“Yeah, in his own weird way. He’s been incorporating some Cognitive Processing Therapy into my sessions. He’s had me write essays about my experiences and it’s been… hard, but I think it’s helping.”

“Look, I know you probably aren’t ready to talk about this stuff yet, but I’m here when you are ready. I don’t want to push you so I haven’t asked any questions, but it’s not because I don’t care. I care and I want to know everything. But when you’re ready, OK?”

Steve nodded, but didn’t seem ready to open up right then on Houston Street among honking cars and fast moving taxis and street vendors selling everything from Peruvian sweaters to cheap incense.

They walked in a not uncomfortable silence until they hit Broadway. Danny said, “Is this place near Canal Street, or further north?”

“It’s near King Street,” Steve said.

“I think that’s a block or two south of Houston.” They walked past the Angelika and Danny told Steve about the girl he’d dated from NYU who always wanted to see artsy films there.

“You really like movies,” said Steve.

“Yeah, who doesn’t? Don’t you?”

“I do. I just haven’t had a lot of time for them. When I have time off I want to do other things, like surf, or go fishing.”

“Or look at prehistoric doodles on rocks?” Danny shoved his hands in his pockets. The sky was overcast and the wind came up the avenues swiftly, making the debris of discarded plastic bags and dead leaves dance around.

“Petroglyphs, Danny. They’re called petroglyphs. And before we get to the gym—don’t play dumb about the Army/Navy thing, OK. Otherwise you might end up with a black eye after all.”

“Where the hell are you taking me?”

“Jack’s.”

Danny laughed.

“What?” Steve looked askance at Danny as he opened an unmarked red door leading into a long hallway painted institutional green.

“Nothing,” Danny said. “I’ll explain later.”

The hallway opened into a gym that smelled like old sweat socks. Several men were sparring on mats and two were sparring in a ring up on a platform. There were some ancient looking barbells in one corner. Several old men with leathery faces were leaning on the ropes and offering commentary. The one thing everyone in the place had in common? The same super-short jarhead haircut and Danny made a mental note not to say the word ‘army’ around these dudes.

“Hey, Jack.” Steve shook hands with a guy who wasn’t much taller than Danny, but was stoutly built. He looked about fifty and was neatly dressed in a polo shirt and chinos.

“Steve,” Jack nodded.

Steve started to introduce Danny, but Danny’s phone rang. It was Rachel.

“It’s Rachel. I’ve got to take this. Sorry.” Danny almost fumbled the answer call button, his hands were so shaky, but he picked up the call.

“Hello?”

“Da—y”

“Rachel? You’re breaking up. Hang on. I’m going outside.” Danny hustled down the hallway and out onto the sidewalk.

“Rachel? You there?”

“Danny?”

“Yeah, babe. I’m here.”

She was crying. “The doctor just called me. Danny, I’m so sorry. The baby isn’t yours.”

“Oh.” Danny’s stomach swooped hot and low. He felt like he’d had the wind knocked out of him. “Damn.”

“I’m so sorry,” Rachel repeated between gasps.

“Have you called Stan yet?”

“No, I’m trying to get up the courage.”

He didn’t think, he just said, “Do you want me to come over, sit with you while you do it?”

“That would be nice, but I can’t ask you to do that. I need to do this on my own. But it means a lot that you’d offer.”

“Rachel, whatever happens—I still love you. You know that right? I will always love you.”

“I know.” She couldn’t hide the sobs now. “I’ve got to go. We’ll talk later? I don’t know what I’m going to tell Grace. I think maybe you better be there for that conversation.”

“Of course. Anything you need – let me know.”

“Bye, Danny.”

Danny hung up and turned around to find Steve looking thunderstruck.

“The baby’s not mine,” Danny said.

Steve’s expression changed rapid fire to an enormous grin. “Thank God,” he said. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry. I know you were hoping…”

“It’s OK. I don’t know what I was hoping to be honest. But I know now. The kid isn’t mine.”

“Part of you wishes it was your son?”

“Yes, of course I do. Do you have any idea—of course, you don’t. A baby is amazing, Steve. I hope you have a kid some day.”

Steve laughed, without humor. “Not likely is it. Not with you anyway.”

“We can adopt,” Danny said and meant it to sound lighthearted and like a joke, but his voice was deeply earnest. He could see it. Steve carrying around a tiny person, that person vomiting all over Steve, and Steve not minding one bit.

And that’s when Danny knew. He was done. Steve was the rest of his life, no matter what condition he was in. He loved Steve broken or not and he’d take him in any condition whatsoever.

He strode forward and pulled Steve down into a kiss right there on Varick Street and it was intense enough that several cars honked at them as they drove past. Danny’s only complaint was that the kiss ended at all.

Steve stepped back looking dazed and soft eyed. Danny couldn’t be sure, but he swore he heard Steve mutter, “amazing” under his breath.

“So what now?” Steve said.

“You concentrate on getting better and then we’ll get ready to head home.”

“Home?” Steve looked around. “That’s twice now you’ve called Hawaii home. I thought this was home.”

“It used to be,” Danny shrugged. “Things change.” Danny scrubbed his hand over his jaw to hide that he was trembling slightly. “So how did you get so beat to hell if the guys in there were wearing protective equipment?”

“I wasn’t wearing any. It was a bet. Come on.” Steve opened the door and led Danny back down the hall telling him all about the day that a bunch of Army dudes has shown up at the gym and bet that their best boxer could beat Jack’s. It was the most animated Danny had seen Steve in a long time and he didn’t fail to notice how many hand gestures Steve had picked up from Danny, or maybe his mom. And Danny was torn between horror at the description of the fight and the glorious feeling that Steve was well and truly his. Though there was also a deep, dark hole in his heart because the baby wasn’t his, but he’d have to deal with that later. Steve was more important now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos make my day, but concrit is always welcome.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are lovely and much appreciated! Concrit is welcome too. Feel free to leave a comment, or email me circus at gmail.


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